Call of tha Wild.

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Pencil note dated 1/9/08 in not too messy writing, a passage has been painfully neatly transcribed
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A book fell from a high shelf. it landed with such a thud i jumped and put my Fleshie hand ta sword. I scanned tha room, lookin fer ninja's, lynch mobs or maraudin Shadows.

Tha Library had a message fer me. A fat book of stories. leather bound and musty.

Call of tha Wild it was

Tha passage tha Library pointed me at (we can always tell) was this:

"But in the end Buck's pertinacity was rewarded; for the wolf,
finding that no harm was intended, finally sniffed noses with him.
Then they became friendly, and played about in the nervous, half-
coy way with which fierce beasts belie their fierceness. After
some time of this the wolf started off at an easy lope in a manner
that plainly showed he was going somewhere. He made it clear to
Buck that he was to come, and they ran side by side through the
sombre twilight, straight up the creek bed, into the gorge from
which it issued, and across the bleak divide where it took its
rise."

there comes a time when a caged critter stops bein a prisoner and starts bein an inmate. When they stop wantin ta be out and become a specimen. That is as much a loss of fear as anything else. When ya loose tha fear of not bein free, when ya accept yer lot as inevitable and eternal, that’s when tha light of tha wild leaves.

Even if ya then build up tha walls of what ya have. Without fear, ya become blind ta tha risks. Blind ta what ya can loose. Blind ta what ya may fail ta gain. Fear. It is my ally. It is a weapon. It is a saviour. Ta be without fear is ta be without hope. Without fear yer without bravery. Fear drives ya beyond failure. Beyond success. Beyond boundaries.

Masterin yer fear makes ya strong. Havin no fear makes ya a liability. I'ue seen it in tha field. Battle Rage. Tha kinda thing that make ya think chargin tha machine guns with just yer claws is a grand idea. Great unless they got silver and there is you not carin getting chopped into hairy hamburger. Worse if ya then do tha same to ya mates. Fear. It keeps ya alive.

Ya can train it outta someone. Ya can cut it outta them too. Ya can drug them or mess with their mind and take it from them. It don't free ya from yer cage though. It just makes tha bars invisible. Some Fleshie leader said "tha only thing ta fear, is fear itself" but he got that ass backwards. Tha world is a scary place filled with all kinds of horrors wantin ta eat ya and use yer skin as a rug.

Its good ta fear that. Its healty ta fear that. Tha only thing ya should NEVER fear, is fear itself. Those that master fear, they got power over themselves. Those without fear? Masters of nothin.

Why am i goin on about this? i like ta think, since comin ta Tox, after Timor, i mastered a bunch of my fears. I was scared ta be alone without my kin. So i joined tha Pack, till i was to disgusted with what they became ta stay. I mastered my fear of not havin a pack. I was scared ta be alone in tha Pit, tha Shadows, i've had good reason ta fear them, over tha moons, but my office in tha Institute required me ta go, so i go. I can still hear tha screams and tha gunfore, tha smell of burnt fur and tha limp weight of my Packmates when i go, but i mastered it, and can stand there without tremblin no more.

Why am i goin on about this? Because i found out somethin tha chilled me to tha marrow. Spirit Gal had gone to Lorne, or Legion, Legion i guess, ta get de-feared. She got her fear, driven, out of her. She was wounded. She said she died. This made me think long and hard about why. I dont really know what Spirit gal is, or where she came from. She ain't Fleshie, not, fully anyway. Magic aside, she'd got venom fer blood. It bothers me i dont know more about her, where she came from, what she IS. Because I dont know more I can't do more. Or maybe, maybe because i didn't know more i feared doing ENOUGH. She died, she said. She had to find her own way back. Finding her own way back drove away her fear.

I need to give her back her fear, or she will die before she knows why. I told her i was gunna walk tha path with her. Its my duty. Its my honour. Its my right and its my joy. Kin, pack, Blood, SHE said to ME. She is Family. She is dear to me. She will not walk alone when i can be walkin with her instead.


I miss My-She.