Healing Old Wounds

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Pencil entry dated 9/6/08 Two different pencils had to be used due to the length
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Dear ratty old notebook, I got some bloody brilliant news. i been runnin about doin stuff, feelin good, livin life to busy ta write about my amazin good fortune. My amazin friends. My amazin Family. My amazin love.

Last week I got a call that a body had been found, second one like it, and another set of eyes would be useful. I arrive as Jon, Poncho and Her Ladyship are talking quietly. They fill me in but there isn't much to tell about what was already a cleaned scene. "err, i think i need ta see tha first body . . i might be able ta tell somethin from it . ..bodies i know . . ." Poncho looks over to Her Ladyship to confirm, who nods. Poncho looks over "First body is in the morgue, follow me" Her Ladyship agrees "Yes, I think that is a wise idea" and we head over. When we get there I look about and speak quietly "Ladyship . . ." She answers, She always uses my Name. "Yes, GrrBrool?" I go on as I slide open the cabinet I smell fresh kill on, even with my Fleshie nose. "ya know, i hid out in here fer a while . . . always quiet in here, no one tryin ta Hunt, AND, tha smell masks mine . . ." I look at the body "so, whatcha gonna show me, meaty-chunks?"

Poncho hands me a folder, "Heres what we've recieved thus far." he's a good fella, sharp, deed seein, good head on his shoulders. A Leader. I look through the file. A letter. Crazy stuff. I look back at tha body. "huh. cut, fast slash, right ta left, sharp, maybe claw, could be a serrated knife, oooohkay. ya been gutted, aintcha? missin some liver, . . .good eatin in liver . .. looks like some of tha ribcage came away, thats some serious force . . . other organs just kinda shredded. I don't get fazed by meat, unless it's got a face I care about. Poncho nods, taking down the notes, surprised when I stop, hand still in the cavity and look up sharply. He don't have any idea what I got happenings with my hand deep in this dead woman. my whole body stiffens and i slowly pull his hand out, gripping the slab, Tha Pain has set in and I start ta rabbit on "muuk, fer. FUCKS. sshhhhhAKE." I pushe away from the slab, leanst the wall, gripping it, nails raking it "rrrrkkkk" Poncho looks puzzled, turning to Her Ladyship as I slide down the wall to ground level, clutching his chest and belly, smearing the girls blood over me. Her Ladyship raises an eyebrow and looks to Pontifex.. "the New Moon nears its end.. he changes, perhaps?" Poncho nods, "Nareth will be hunting again..."

I leaned my face agaisnt the cold wall panting, sweating . Bloody inconsiderate “ggguuuukhhhhccchhhh"
I punch the door of the next slab, breaking fingers like an idiot. Tha Pain. Not good. Her Ladyship steps forward, unsure what to do to help. I arch my back, and a sickenin poppin sounds out briefly. Her Ladyship tilts her head, eyes widening. She's not seen my Moon-Shift before. I’ve managed ta be elsewhere. No such luck this time. Too eager ta be useful. Failin at that too. " grrrruuh, rrruuuhhhaahhhh" Then it stops i stop shuddering, still panting, sweating, now clutching my banged up hand. "fuck this shit" I look up at Her Ladyship and Poncho "fuckin sorry, folks, guess we're occilatin. Moon must be wigglin on tha equator. fuckin Newton" Poncho is caught off guard by his own chuckle. I guess he's laughin with me, not at me. I just look pained, and feel embarassed. "I, i think i broke somethin. usually come good by now"
I hold up a swelling left hand, split knuckles. "erm, i think i better get some ice" Her Ladyship nods, I look to the body but She cuts me off. "Let's get you sorted out, hmm? We can finish this later - she's not going anywhere." but I can sum it up. she was gutted, awright, fer food, er ritual, hard ta say, though. i feel tha right plonker. bad timin, that. Her Ladyship shakes her head.. I grin, in spite of things, then flex my hand and frown. its broke, two fingers i think. I duck off, leavin Ponch with His Lady, lookin fer ice, mutterin to myself "great . . .now yer a wus AND a freak"


Later on, there was a bunch of us in Tha Library. We've been talkin Gods and Mortals. Dreams come up. I let slip about mine. Must be Tha Pain.Lari regards me "Are you fighting nightmares?" as My-She banters with Kaine "you can choose to refute hope and give up on dreams... or you can choose to chase them.. search for them.. find them... my choice is to chase them till they are mine" I tell Lari that I dream about Timor as Pix stares into the fire "sometimes dreams are all there is" My-She catches my line, bites her bottom lip and whispers "we will take care of part of that soon, my One.. today maybe.."
I just make a face "cant take away what i did, My-She" as Lari asks "Timor?" My-She reached over and wraps around me tightly ..whispering fiercely "being the most beautiful Being i know" I know. I go on though "yeah, Lari, little place north of Australia" Kaine still continues to sing to himself, I press on "lovely place, where children would dance and play and sing, and loving mothers bring cool drinks ta their loved ones . . .oh, wait, we killed them all" I shut up with a frown. Lari nods. "Your past hunts you, then?"
I try ta apologize "sorry, all, ya didnt need me ta say that" no one wants ta hear about tha monster I used ta be.My-She looks at me eyes aching with my pain "wasnt you, my One.. was The Soldier.."

Kaine pipes up too "I think I may take my leave.... I suddenly wish to forget the bitter taste of forsaken dreams" Her Ladyship nods solemnly to him. Lari gasps quietly, and nods, standing up, and crouching beside me She strokes his chin and made me look into her eyes so I lean forward and bumps heads with her then look up, catching Laris eyes in my own. bright yellow matching hers. We feel tha touch of minds. Her Ladyship sighs a little, looking concerned.."There is not one of us here without a little regret over the past, GrrBrool.." my eyes go wide as Lari touches my mind. My-She looked over my head, to Lady Omega.. biting her bottom lip as Pix silently nods in agreement, staring into the fire.

"gerk" Tha Pain has come back. I blink rapidly at Lari, and shudder as she just stares, her skin, even her eyes glowing, pulsing as she breathes. She keeps on staring after he blinks, still holding my chin. I know what’s coming. I try ta leave, ta spare them tha spectacle. I try to lift myself up on my broken hand and rolls to one side. Idiot. "gakh, aww, fuckkkiittt." can’t get away. Lari winces, and reaches to hold me up so I don't tumble too hard. My face screws up, I started twitching, jaw clenched tight. Her Ladyship sighs, watching. My-She watches.. helpless. "ahhhrrrrhkkkk" real captivatin speech. I just twitched and writhed, clutchin my chest and belly Some one I love calls "Grr????" I can’t tell who, it hurts too much. Lari glows even stronger, holding me gently by an arm, watching I shudder, calming, breathin slows to normal. Lari's doin. as she stared into my eyes, so she slowly disappeared, takin a trip in me. Then with a sudden burst, fur sprouts, bones shift, spine rolls, tail grows, joints pop and roll the way only a Shifters can, and I just curl inta a ball. I can hear My-She start to reach for me, then tha creak of tendons as she pulls back. Her Ladyship winces at my pain. I hear it over my pantin I relax, steamin, and sit up.

Pix's smile is wary. She's seen it before. My-She whispers so so so softly "please help me to fix this, Goddess, please.." I padded carefully to her, drapin an arm and she nuzzled softly against me. I looked over to Her Ladyship and around tha room. "i'm so sorry ya all saw that". Well, that set My-She right off. "will you STOP apologising for this!!??!!?? each and every one of us loves you, you goofy mutt. LOVES. not just .. yeah ok, hes a nice enough guy. LOVES, so stop being a nit". I could just barely nod. Pix chimes in "She's right Grr, and you know it" I tried ta make my self clear. "well, thats why i dont want ya ta see it, yeah?" My-She croons to me "baby" before Lari grined to My-She "Well he is just modest." I feel I gotta explain. I ain't groppin fer sympathy or pitty. "what kinda sick thing ya think i am, huh?" but its Her Ladyship's turn "Should I apologise, GrrBrool, for being a Vampire? Would you like me to offer you an apology for that?"

Lari tilts a head to Omega, laughing. Pix kicks in "Grr, all of that is part of who you are, just like Lar can show you her wings and I can yell at you. We love you" Makes me feel worse, it ain't what I mean at all. " no, Yer Ladyship, I just dont want ta show all that pain." My-She gets fierce at me "then tough guy.. allow me to try to take that pain away?" Her Ladyship is on a roll though, "And what of Mirah. Look at her! Whiskers sprouting from her cute face. Should she apologise? Perhaps Pix might apologise for her wings." She shakes Her head. I reply real low. "I, um, it aint tha Change i'm sorry fer." My-She mutters "whiskers tickle" Pix agrees, "wings are useless". I go on real quiet. They ain't heard me. "Please. dont make me show this anymore, please." but Her Ladyship is riled "It's an insult to all of us, to think we would require an apology. Because you feel pain. And should we hide from you, then? Our pains, our joys? I whimpered "i dont want ya ta see it" My-She "oh my One... the very last thing any of us want is for you to be in pain, ever, but share it with you, we will. until we can make it disappear. and i am going to try to do that" I just balled up, curled up, putting my arms over my head. Her Ladyship noded to her, and she went on. "i would love to see you live your Changes in the joy they used to be for you" then she reached into a small pouch and pulled out a couple tiny metal balls, and rolled them onto the rug.

"may i show you what i am thinking...? these metal balls are not the same composition of metals as the shrapnel.. but." I relaxed again, and looked as My-She's eyes seem to change .. almost looking metallic.. her gaze is into some distant place, then I peaked at tha balls as her lips moved, without sound, and her fingers swirl the air with softly glowing streaks. Pix carefully walked up to me smiling gently and kisses the top of my head "rest easy, we all love you" before rising and walking away "take care all". At first I didn't see anything happening to tha balls but gradually their edges become fuzzy looking.. their smoothness was gone. more quickly, they seemed ta erode from all sides, becoming smaller.. paler... dimmer..until they disappear. I watched intently as My-She leaned back, breathing softly, her eyes changing to their normal bright colour." it isn't exactly the same... but.. like that, much much more care of course.. this is inside you..." I looked from her to Her Ladyship and back. I saw tha approval in Her eyes. "and much healing and patching needs to be done too and scar tissue to heal..but.. i can .. i think"

I curled into My-She's lap "do it, when yer ready, do it, i don't love my pain, i hate it. i hate it cause it stops me from bein . . me, it huts ta see ya all hurtin, do it. i'm more afraid of tha looks in yer eyes than what might happen. Do it." She stroked my fur softly and whispered "here.. now.. you in my lap.. our Lady at our sides? what of the penance you seek?". "fuck penance. my pain aint gonna hurt no one else." She kept strokin my fur.. "alright... but i have one request first" I can smell her tears. And feel Her Ladyships gaze. "kiss me first?" how could I refuse?

I looked up, bright yellow eyes, sparkling, lovingly, as i kissed her, muzzle softly pressing, she responds to the kiss, passionately... pulling away gently, she whispered "I love you GrrBrool" my heart lept. But I stood my ground. I sat up, leant over and hugged Her Ladyship, Omega, around the waist swiftly, leaning up to rub my muzzle agaisnt Her cheek and pulling back to look Her in the eyes. She held me tight, whispered.. "all will be well..."

My-She said softly "you will be awake.. you will see both of us.. here with you.. ok?" as I give a posture of total relaxation, tail wagging slolwy, eyes lidded, hunkered down looking from one to the other, utterly, UTTERLY secure."i will try hard to make sure it wont hurt at all" I tell her. "pain and me .. . got a special two fer one deal, My-She, dont you worry aboiut that one little bit" she goes on some "and i want you to tell me anything you feel ok? i do worry about it.. the last thing on earth i ever want is to hurt you"
I shook out my head, back, arms, my whole body, grabed my bag, and sword, and gently undid them, and sent them skittering under tha couch. I tell My-She i'll see her on tha other side, either way. She growled.. "no talking like that. you will be awake.. here.. talking..." she scooted over.. snuggling me between Her Ladyship and herself.. wrapped her arms around me. "baby.. it will be ok.. YOU arent going ANYwhere. promise" Reminds me how much longer tha two of em have been about. I look from face ta face. I tell them I believe. That I got . . .Faith.

Mirah McGuire smiles at the Lady, and beams at me " i could do this encased in a full ritual..calling the quarters.. setting the wards.. calling the guardians.. but.. there are three of us here..three is the perfect number and She is with us always. i lay still as I can breathng softly, mouthing a prayer ta Coyote and tha Goddess that my body lets her work. That I don't fight her. Merma comes in and greets, open-mouthed. "so.. simply... Mother.. we seek healing for the Being we love, GrrBrool.. i, Your Priestess, ask for Your wisdom, Your healing skill, Your love and Your Blessings in this Work... thus i have prayed, in perfect Love and in perfect Trust.. so mote it Be"

Merma's eyes widened looking around"what happened to grr?" I hear Her Ladyship say "He's fine, Merma.. we heal an old wound." and My-She continues, sparing a smile for Merma as always.. "nothing .. well nothing new... i am .. we are.. seeking to heal old wounds" Merma nods looking between them both "do you need assistance?" My-She stroked her hand softly over my cheek, shaking her head, "not in the actual work, but love and adding to the power would be very welcome" Merma nods and goes the cushion near us "I will pray then." My-She starts the Working. Moving tiny atoms.. patching wounds the doctors could never touch so long ago.. i lay as still as i can, just my ears and tail twitching. I see through Lari's gift as My-She finds a jagged piece of shrapnel.. accepts the agony .. fire.. from the cold iron, and Merma clsoes her eyes praying softly opening her energies for her use. She feels Merma's beautiful spirit along with Lady Omega's... as she slowly .. painfully works not only to disintegrate the cold iron that is tearing at her soul.. but to heal the tears and wounds and scars it's caused inside me. She continues slowly, scanning.. moving tiny atoms.. pushing things back into the shape they should be. Several pieces of shrapnel lodged near and in my spine require very slow close intense concentration... rejoining nerves.. making sure their spark travels as it should.... the pain of the cold iron numbing her extremities now. She whispered soothing words in several different languages.. eyes still far far away.... fingers moving over me body, directing her Work.. Through Lari's ghost eyes I see Her Ladyship hand grip tha arm of the chair as She watches. Merma kept prayin softly with her eyes closed. delicately.. easing a piece of metal away from his spine while healing the flesh as the shrapnel erodes.. filling the hole it leaves with healing flesh and sinew and blood and bone...

I twitches twice, and get still, she slides over the area making sure all the shrapnel around my spine is gone.. that everything seems right.. whispering "GrrBrool, wiggle your toes and fingers please?"
I wriggled fingers, left hand, right hand. I wriggled toes, left foor, left foot. I wriggled my tail. My-She whisperd a soft thank You to Tha Goddess as she continued.. searching my body, healing, the touch of the shrapnel .. the deep numbness is spreading and Lari sees that My-She knows she doesn’t have much more time.. she has to finish healing him before..... before..something. She finds a large piece is against my heart.. so close.. so dangerous.. atom by atom ..slowly eroding it.. agony lancing through her.. to fall off into the dark numbness that is slowly filling her... patching the wound.. healing the Being she loves... Me. Desperate to finish this Work before she cannot continue.. Her Ladyship watches Mirah, her brow furrowing..

My-She, deep in her search whispered "deep breath... tell me .. does it hurt?" She scans his lungs wondering how I survived these wounds... wishing she had been there to help me back then... It hurts, but it’s a healin hurt. Like bein shot, er stabbed. Not tha long ache of an untended wound “rrrr, no, feelin . . .peachy” is all I can muster, I don’t wanna et her feel anything but confidence, and success. She passes hands over me finding one more grouping of shrapnel.. its all she can see... eyes darkening... eroding the pieces with a little less finesse.. healing carefully as she can.... then she whispered try.. “try changing”. Her Ladyship watches intently, her eyes shifting to Merma who whispered softly ta herself. My-She watched me carefully... looking for wounds hidden from sight.. sees none.. Merma looked up still mumbling softly watching mirah intently. I nod. I lay, hesitant, waitin for tha pain as Lari’s eyes show me My-She as tha dark cold fills her .. she clings to awareness.. has to see if im awright. Merma sees it too, moved closer to her askin softly "are you okay?". I get ready, I sighed and rolled inta a ball. My She doesn't answer... watching . feeling.. waiting. I roll tighter inta a ball.

I Changed!

In a flash, a bright, beautiful flash inside my eyes, held from me for years now. I Changed with no pain. I am in my four-leg form so i sat upright wagging tail and panting as My-She lets slip a tear and collapsed. Her Ladyship leans forward in her chair and Merma reaches out to My-She stopping her from hitting the floor, quickly her hand changes colour to black and starry light motes entering her body healing and soothing. I lean in, nuzzles My-She and lick at her cheek, murmuring in my native tongue of growls, yip, and chirps. I whimpere and looked ta Merma and Omega closed my eyes and swiftly Changed again.
Her Ladyship rises swiftly from her chair, leaning over Merma who frowned as beads of sweat show on her forhead "I dont understand.. its not working like it should." Her Ladyship looked to Merma, nodding slightly, decision made.. but I’m faster to act.

I scooped My-She up, she weighs nothing at tha best of times, and now, I have tha rush of life in me and I glow. Literally. Her Ladyship tears a glove off. bites savagely at her right wrist, tearing flesh with her fangs... as I begin ta chant outloud, in tha language of tha Wild. None there would know what I said, and I don’t feel like sharin, but this is what it woulda sounded like in case ya hear it again.

“aashuah nae ruak sheeneaah frrauah cheena han sha newferas nee hans soo alliea ba ne go cha nee whron, cha ne sh vata ne ro vata ne shuan! VATA NE Sh-AHN!”

Tha call was between me, Coyote and Tha Goddess.


Her Ladyship holds her wrist out, nodding to me..”Feed, Mirah..” as I called down the elemental forces of the Wild and started ta glow from within with a golden red light as it filled me. Her Ladyship brought her dripping wrist close to Mirah's lips.. as I made my own Working.

“aashsunaka ara she no ma naeee i sha SHE mana She MATRE SHE”

Again, its between Coyote, Tha Great Mother and me. But I think ya get tha idea what I was askin fer.

The scent... the blood.. the.. other... calls My-She to feed, gasping in agony and beauty as the fire races through her, she leant in Her Ladyship growled low in her throat, her tone commanding.. “FEED.” My-She yowled, an unearthy sound.. and started feedin almost ravenously... I loomed, filled with an essence greater than my body could hold, standing taller and larger than most have seen a mortal do. I breathed in, holding the breath of the room stilled. I breathed out, to the sound of Chinook wind. Her Ladyship snarled, forcing herself to stand still and My-She gasped.. blood dripping down her chin.. and blinked.. eyes open but still unseein. Flames reflected inside her eyes for the briefest second.. then they cleared and she saw Lady Omega standing right there as I held her in my arms, eye ta eye with Her Ladyship, “Lady... is ... he .. is ....” Her Ladyship replies “He's fine Mirah.. just fine..” and I bend my head down to kiss her in my arms, before startin dancin about the room gently with her in his arms. She sees the blood on herself, on Her Ladyship, on my muzzle from the kiss and asks "what...... who .. " then realises the room is whirling and she realised who’s strong arms are holding her.. "Grrrr???" as I lick her face clean of tears and blood and worry.

Her Ladyship steps back, sinking into a chair, cradling her wrist.. as I still dance. My-She catches a glimpse of Lady Omega.. and wiggles out of Grr's arms to race to her, kneeling at her feet “ Lady... oh Goddess, Lady what have You done?.” I can barely contain myself. Its been so long, and the pain is gone. “Nothing, Mirah.. only what I could. You are all right?” My-She cried again, I could smell it "for me?.. i ... " My eyes were still glowing, as I winked to Merma "thanks" as Her Ladyship gives Her blessing “of course for you..for both of you..” The Two are close in talk “i dont know how to thank You” My-She turns to Merma.. “or you.." I gleefully Shifted one more time, back to my native form. One too many, I guess after what I’d been through, after a Summonin, a Channelin, and a Workin. I stood there, standing close on my four paws, wobbling fer a moment as exhaustion kicked in. I kinda made a happy yip, wagged my tail, and did something really sissy. I passed out.

I had had a big day