"Stand-up, hook-up, shuffle to the door"

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Pencil entry dated 19-05-08, in a even messier hand than normal
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Tha streets were empty, Tha Library slept and I was at a loose end, so I hit Haven. I sat fer a while, just soakin back inta tha groove of Tox after runnin wild in tha bush fer a day or two. I had answered tha call of tha Hunt, and it was good. Fresh, lean and rich meat. Fur and hoof in my jaws. Tha sacred connection tween me, my prey and Tha Goddess. Funny how folks seem ta ferget there's a big wide world out there. Too scared of tha wolf beyond tha treeline maybe. Anyways, I had come back and after readin tha exec summaries and seein as there weren't any pressin disasters ta avert, I had my self a sit and even got myself one of my "Magic Hair Attractin Potions". Just sittin, chattin. I met Marvin tha Charmin Bot, nice guy, stiff upper lip, even fer a Bot. .. Folks came and went, and I ended up behind tha bar, familiar ground, even though i've not spent much time there recently. More important stuff ta be doin.

In walks Her Ladyship, kind of lack luster, preoccupied I guess she looked. Severus followed not too far, so I figured that's what it was, that She'd had her fill and was riding the buzz. That one has a way, eye-catchin' if a bit sooky. She kinda came in and just slumped though. I started fixin Her favorite tipple, Hungarian Absinthe, full treatment, but she just sat there, and muttered Severus' name tha once. She didn't even seem ta notice me and that bothered me more than anythin else. I wasn't bein ignored, I can tell when someone has spotted me but is ignorin me, a predators gift, ya could say. She seemed, in a trance, and with tha scents Severus was waftin off, as he loitered, I thought maybe he had done a number on The Lady. I know if there is any thing She hates more than snivelling, its loosin control, so I stepped to, and got around tha bar ta see Her.

She was kinda pale, even fer Her, I was worried about shock or trauma, but it didn't look like it. I tried ta reach ta Her and She snarled at Choi. I started ta see what was wrong. She was starvin, but fightin tha need ta feed. I stepped up, and took Her hands in me paws and spoke ta Her, tryin ta get through ta Her. I spoke, nothin, I touched, nothin, I looked deep, deep, nothin. I had only one trick left ta me. Its somethin that’s bothered me fer as long as i've been fortunate enough ta know Tha Lady. I know its fuckin pissweak of me, but its a matter of pride, of respect. I had ta put both aside, because that’s what I needed ta do. It was a choice between my stupid hang-up and tha well bein of Tha Lady. You do tha math.

So I called to Her by name. I sucked it up and spoke Her name ta her face. Big fuckin deal, right? Wrong. What’s in a name ya ask? Well, I guess its just a matter of different folk usin tha same word fer two things yeah? Well, i'll put it like this. I call tha females of my kind bitches, my mother a dam but I know not ta call anybody else that, they don't take kindly to it. When we did a Joint Op. with some Yank Shifters one time, two of tha big blackfella's called each other "Nigga" but ya can bet yer last beer that none of their Fleshie support woulda fuckin dreamed of sayin it out-loud. Well, Omega ain't just a name, not just tha last letter of a Med language. Its a rank in a pack. Tha lowest. Tha one ya beat on ta show ya can. Every pack has one. Its one step above Outcast. Tha Toxian Pack called their Eldest "omega" but that ain't right. You fuck up badly enough but not -quite- bad enough ta be killed or cast out, ya get a turn ta be "omega" and still may get killed or crippled by tha fightin that filters down.

It's Tha Lady's name. I know no one else in Tox even considers that, it's just me. But i've never said it. I just couldn't. Until last nights. It was just my stupid hang-up. She needed help. I needed to. So I stood-up, hooked-up and took tha plunge. I called Her by name. Names have power. She's tha only one who makes tha effort ta say my full name. Most can't do it right. Fleshies can’t. Tears up their throats too much. So I told myself that as She does fer me, so I do fer Her. I called her name and She looked me in tha eye. I reached Her. It was gonna be ok I kept tellin myself. I managed ta get Her to stand and outa tha Haven.

I walked Her, hands in paws back across tha street and back inta Tha Library. I told Her that it was safe, that She could be who She was, what She was, with me. I locked eyes, hopin ta hold Her attention there as I did what I had ta. It ain't pretty, watchin me Shift, tha pain, it takes tha pretty away. Last thing I want is ta spook Her now, but at least I got her away from pryin eyes. I keep her stare. I make the start of my Shift. Now don't get me wrong, I ain't a shrinkin violet when it comes ta tha rough and tumble. I've been shot and stabbed more times than i've had hot showers, clawed, bit, and near blown in half by artillery. Pain and me got a long history. It was that arty strike that left its little presents lodged in my chest and spine. Shifter healin can be fast, and in my case, sometimes too fast. I healed over tha shrapnel, it fused with my bones, and they told me in rehab they couldn't cut it out without killin me, and I was too valuable a resource ta risk it just fer my comfort. So now when I Shift, I get all cut up inside as tha shrapnel gets dragged around. Bastard.

Where was I? Oh, Her Ladyship. I kept my eyes on hers. They don't change much, my eyes, when I Shift, and I kept tha pain in as best I could so she'd not know, faught ta hold hands but not crunch down, not ta cry out. So I made it. Why change? I'm not blind, i'm feral, i'm not stupid, I knew what Her Ladyship needed and that "an animal" wasn't on tha menu. I can see tha look that changes from one phase of Tha Moon to another. She'd never ask, Lady Omega, she doesn't want ta cause me hurt, ta Change. But it was what She needed and need outweighs comfort. Its tha way of Nature. She was kind of daunted, dazed maybe, strugglin ta keep control. I brought Her over to Her chair, sat Her down and kinda knelt there. She put Her hand on my cheek, and I put mine on hers. I kept talkin ta Her, gentle reassurance. Lettin Her know it was ok, that I knew what I was doin. That I was doin it on purpose. I heard Severus chortle. Too busy preenin and poutin ta act ta fix tha problem. I offered Her Ladyship my throat, submission to those of higher station, supportin my Alpha, Omega. I felt Her hunger as she began the Taking.

Needful, but not rough, gentle as She could, all told, she drank deep. I've heard that tha Taking can feel different ta all kinds, and that it's as much ta do with tha intent of tha Fanger as anything else. I felt tha bite, no more than than tha pressure and tha moments flash of, connection. Its a shared thing. I can't say it hurt, not coming so close to a Change, ain't much that can compare ta that. I don't know if I can say it felt good, neither, more right ta say it felt, relaxin, accomplishin, fulflllin. Maybe that was me, maybe it was Her. Maybe it was Coyote givin me a pat on tha back fer makin up fer one more life.

I can't believe She'd had ta go so long without. That was tha last thing I remember thinkin till I felt Her let me go. I could feel myself slippin off ta unconsciousness, I revert, see, ta my native Four-Legs, and I was a little worried but my last thought was why? I don't know what'd have happened if i'd not been back. I know She woulda been ashamed if She'd gone too far, and lost it, but where had her Red and White been? I passed out, like a pup, and didn't feel nor hear nothin fer a long while. I dreampt. Not of Timor. That’s important. I usually dream of tha blood, mud and tears. I usually dream of tha Medic tent and tha cage. Since I been in tha Institute its been better, but, that’s a lot of memory ta get over. Not this time though. I was runnin, long grass, Autumn. Forest on one side, rocky mountains ta tha other. I dreampt of tha Hunt. Of bringing down Deer, sharing the Feast, taking a bone to the Cubs to gnaw and worry. The feel of the bite of the alpha for Her share of the Feast. Seeing the pack strong, fed, together. The chill of winter ruffled my fur, and I woke to the sound of soft voices and fire.

I was in tha Library. The moon had wheeled an hour on her way. I sat, stretched and looked about, and was rewarded with a fond touch from Her Ladyship. She looked much better, shades in her tones were darker. She was talkin ta Lari, i'm not sure what, i was kinda out of it still, but i'd slept well, and recovered. Much better than when i had been New-Mooned, maybe second time i was ready fer it, maybe i healed faster. Her Baby, they were talkin about Lari's baby, how it was due real soon. Lari was gettin kinda fidgity, and Her Ladyship and she had a soft laugh about somethin. I heard Nareth's name, and then they both smiled. I can only hope its good things, and that tha baby is comin along well. She;s been so tired recently. will be good ta have her and her pup about, a bright spark of life in Tox. Somethin good. Eventually, i realised i was missin too much, bein in my Native, so, i excused myself, and Shifted back to my War-Form, which, combined with havin awready had a touch of tha Taking, made fer a bit of a strain. All good in tha end, tha Light was back in Her eyes.


Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door
Jump right out and count to four
It my main don't open wide
I've gotta reserve by my side
If that one should fail me
I'll be the first on on tha ground

Thats what matters, i was there, i helped, i took tha plunge, because it was tha right fuckin thing ta do. And it was.