Killing Joah

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Dark mud smeared pencil note, dated 23/11/2008
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Tracked Spirit Gal's scent to the crane by tha Factory, and up I went, along tha rail line, as saw her sittin on the ledge. A looked at her, and tha Thing glanced up. “well, lookit there . . . far away from tha rest of tha meat?” The Thing said “The meat? I suppose you could call it that....” It just makes me so mad, this bastard, stole my Spirit Gal, wanderin around in her. So I say to it“what i dont get is if yer so old and poowerful, why take a meat body anyway? just make one meat is . . . just meat, after all” The Thing don’t much like that “That is what you think of this one? Just meat? You hurt it, you know.” Bastard. I tried ta get It ta stop gouging tha mind of Raven’s Song, I asked Tha Library ta smack her about a bit. It stopped. “i know i did got yer attention though, didn't i?” Bastard Thing told me “It's shoulder is dislocated. She hurts. I do not.” Not good. So I vaulted over tha rail from tha tracks ta tha crane and told It ta give me her arm, she don’t resist. just looked up at me. I tenderly took her arm, and feels up from the elbow to the shoulder, and closed my eyes, manipulating it. I didn’t dare open myself up ta heal it, in case it came back up tha link ta me, but I still got my trainin, and as tha Govenator said I got “detailed files” on Fleshie anatomy. “and ya know what? ta set her free?” Joah’s body winced in pain as I worked. "What?" It asked. “i'll kill her ta free her from you, if i have to” I opened my eyes and looked as her as I reset tha shoulder with a jerk.


“she may not thank me, they usually don’t but she'd be free. Free” Joah's body grits her teeth. "You think that matters?" it hisses at me, but I know what I’m dealin with by now, I think, “i dont think you have a concept ta compare it ta” The Thing reaches one hand out to the metal bar beside her. She touches it and ice coats it making it brittle. With a snap she tears it off. "You are mistaken, dog. I've watched you before the world." Tha arrogance of these Godlings, that before they were befer so much, they are beyond us, or better than us. It shits me “then ya watched dumb” I said ta It.


Tha Thing disagrees, of course it would "No. I watched with eyes wide open. Ears hearing." Joah takes the broken bar in her hand. "Each of your steps from the primoridal ooze to legs and paws and claws." She raises the bar studying it. “yer a second rate Laybrinth, and ya stole from me, and mine, least tha Huntress offered herself . . . . tha shoulder will be stiff, mind ya work inta full rotation . . . I turn away from It, and started ta climb down. The Thing called after me "I offer no one anything. I am without form." Joah raised tha bar and plunged it inta her chest, heaving Her body shuddered as it was impaled. "Waste. Void." Blood begins to form at her mouth. "See what I do to the body you care so little for, dog."


I screamed at it, and ran back up tha steps as her body began ta slump. The whispers came through her mouth didn't move. "You said you'd kill it. Let me save you the trouble." At some stage I think I tore a toe claw off, but I didn’t notice till after. I just snatched her up, held her tight and jumped off tha crane, inta tha deep water of tha port, into the water, to tha Wide River. In tha eternity between ledge and water-strike I watched the light in Joah's eyes begin ta fade. I called out with all my bein fer tha one I knew could make it there ta help me. Who would hear tha call and feel Spirit Gal’s need as I did. At tha moment we woulda hit tha water, tha oppressive heat and humidity of tha Dark Jungle slamed into us as I trudged down tha backs inta tha to Wide River. “welcome to Death” Her eyes were wide and starin, barely a flicker of life let in them. Blood streamed down her chest from tha wound. The whispers said, "If that is what you wish for her, Coyote. She won't return. The body will be .... destroyed." They echo in many voices.

Fuckin bastard would lie and cheat me of my Spirit Gal, rule one, never believe tha kidnapper with a gun to his own head. I waded in ta tha River lettin the icy dark water wash over, stingin cold in the jungles heat. Tha Thing lay limp in my arms, the voices laughed at me, those Nail-their-God-to-a-Stick folks would call it a Baptisp. I call is a Sacred Rebirth. All birth comes with pain. He heard my Call, and into tha River decended Denethorn, in true Feather Grace. I looked up at my looked up at him, eyes glazing, fur slick with blood and sweat "now!" He heard tha Call, but I guess I need ta work on content “"FB, what is going on and where am I?" he asked curiously, he was looking about, kinda like he knew, but not sure “yer in tha Wide River, Angel-Brother. Death is here.” The Thing: in a rush of whispers that filled tha silent air, "The dog wished this body to die." Joah's lips didn’t move. "He brought it here. To the river of death." Tha laughter seemed ta come up from indise me, and I didn’t like it, not one bit.

“but Death stops here, From here, nothing dies.” I lifted Joah’s body in the water “Death is my ally, here” My Angel-Brother blinked and mutters and does his best to not cry out and speak calmly "I... I am assuming the Tohu has injured, Lady Grace..."
i turned and showed tha iron bar rammed inta Joah's chest “ya could say that”
her eyes flickered as if the light is going out of them. Blood washed from her clothes, spilled from her lips inta that cold, dark water. Featherpants sighed and grumbled "How may I help?" he remains strangely calm, I guess all them years has gotten him use to this... “It tried ta hurt me by hurtin Joah, cause i told it i'd kill her ta free her. Fuckin Ancient Spirits, so much power, so little BALLS. . . . hold her?” and i offered her still body like a precious flower to him. The Thing whispered at us "I have dwelt ever in realms apart from the visible world," the voices lilt. He nodded, and took her from me "I see... Sure..." and he held his hands out to hold the beauty he calls Lady Grace and I Name Spirit Gal, we pass her, passed from one of her lovers to another, from one Brother to another.

“then ya shoulda know better than ta come ta where we can bind ya” I say ta it as her blood swirls in the cold darkness. Here’s a hint. NEVER look under tha waters of tha Wide River, unless ya don’t value yer mind. The voices whisper and the wind rushes. "The River s more ancient than the mountains, and freighted with the memories and the dreams of Time. I am beyond both." Featherpants gives its yammerin a yawn "Stupid fool does not even know I am prince of a forgotten kingdom long dead, I have dwealt in other worlds too..." I take a grip of tha bar in her chest, the icy water numbing and slowing her flesh and mine. The Thing just keeps at it whilst I do my Work. "Life is a hideous thing," the voices laugh. "You didn't want the body. I will take it" I hate It. I hate what It has done, tha contempt It has shown its vessel, my Spirit Gal. There is a covenant between spirit and flesh, and this has been flaunted. Featherpants is getting cranky now and grumbled "Look, stupid, I want the woman and the body back, stop pissing me off and shut yer trap, otherwise I'll shut it fer ya" he growls "And dn't think I can't" which is good, cause now I’m ready.

“before, maybe, but yer in tha River now, you have no idea, Old Spirit , what i sacrifice, for her. you couldn’t. you took her Fire and in this water, i give it BACK” Tha Thing gets one more shot off "Only the silent can tell all that has lain hidden," its whispers mocked. So I played my hand. I reached inta tha water, and fished in my cargo pockets for tha leather bag I had given tha Messenger. She had showed me her lucky coin, and told me she used ta make more fer her master, when she was in a cage. She’d been kind enough ta make two fer me, she knew I aint interested in wealth, and could see that it was a sacred thing fer me. So she did. Two coins fer tha River Crossing. I opened tha bag and took out tha two doubloons. “see these? Tha Messenger made em for me, know what they're for?” my Feathered Brother nodded.

My paw started ta steam and smoke as I held tha coins, I could feel tha burn, and tha tingle of tha Other Side callin. The Thing gurgled. It suddenly KNEW. Maybe Featherpants didn’t but I told themn both, ta make sure It knew. Intent is all. He blinked and told me ta be careful. But I was well past bein fuckin careful. “it burns me. its tha sacred fire of tha sun, given shape and form” I put both coins in one paw and made a fist, tha pain was searin, like a blowtorch, I could hear my paw burnin, seein flames lick between my knuckles. “I see” my Brither said, takin it in. Smoke and steam rose up from me and again, It spoke at us "cold, humorous stars only the dying sun and the pale mournful planets," the voices whisper. Featherpants snarled at it "I SAID... SHUT... UP!!!" I reached out with my other paw and griped the bar. “tha sacred source of life, tha all fire, tha light that drove tha emptiness away.

I yanked tha bar out, I could hear tha wet slurpin sound of it as it came free, runnin over ribs and back outta her meat and lungs, its smooth sides slipping cleanly from the wound and I tossed it like a dart inta tha banks of tha River. The voices lilt in a mirthful laugh. "Prying the bar means death....." Joah's body went right slack. My time was up. I pressed one coin against the wound with my burnin paw and growled out at It. “Nothing. Dies. Here. Death. Stops. Here.” Then I did something I’d have cursed ya out for a fuckin nong if ya would tell me I’d have ever done. I put tha other coin in my mouth. Featherpants smirked and whispered to It"You are wrong also in the aspect that death means nothing to us..." and she convulsed in tha water. My mouth. Oh Goddess, my mouth, it burnt, steam and fire in my mouth, in my lungs, comin outta my nose, as I felt Fetherpants pumpin power inta me from On High. I stopped bein able ta see and moved in close ta find Joah’s face. There was a pop, and I felt fire spillin outta my lips. I know I was makin noises, but all I could think of was ta kick that bastart out of my Spirit Gal.

I bent over, and kissed her, letting tha fire breathe outta me, and inta her. Sacred Flame. Sacred Kiss. Fire of Life. Kiss of Life. Between tha fuck-off pain, tha icy sting of tha River, I barely felt tha tingle of tha Other Side no more, but I knew it was there, callin me, and something else, like shadows beginin ta gather around us. At first, furtive little ones, then bolder ones in dark clouds. I could see bright red through my clenched eyes, goin ta white as Featherpants Came Forth. But then something odd happened, I felt tha River pull away from me, I didn’t move, but tha weight pulled away from my belly, my legs. Tha River was trying to get away from Life as I burned inside and out. Over my own sounds, I geard as gasp, and felt her body move. I felt tha shadows give way, and move off. I heard tha sizzle and pop of me, burnin and tha low lap of tha River, holdin back.

Spirit Gal’s voice. I heard her voice, from so far away. "Grr? D-d-denenthorn?" she was stammerin in a breathy whisper. I opened my eyes and saw, though my tears, that she was lookin up at him, from tha waters where he held her, she looked at me, and tha River washed back over me. I guess I kinds slumped inta it, spittin out that fuckin coin, which was still burnin, musta had parts of me stuck ta it. It hit tha water and boiled on tha way down fer just a second. My muzzle went under, and I heard tha Other Side callin, callin strong. Oh, Goddess, tha fear of that. I got too much ta do, I cant Cross, I owe, I owe big, and I gotta pay off my debt, like in tha deal. I coughed as that icy blackness put tha fires in me out, spultterin and in desperate panic, I scrambled up through the mud up the bank curled up into a ball, shuddering, almost out of my mind in pain, fear and grief. I know that now.

In tha Faraway I heard Featherpants sayin “Name, rank, and smethin about you no one else would know?" and Spirit Gal’s voice askin "What happened?" there was a pause, and th heat of tha Dark Jungle soaked back inta me, burnin in a different way ta tha coins did. "Nothin much, my brother just almost killed himelf to save yer ass..." I heard him yawn. And Spirit Gal, clear as a bell across a valley"Is he alright?" she asks with worry. The wind begins to stir. That was odd. Ain’t no wind by tha River, nor in tha Dark Jungle. But at tha time, all I could do was lift my head, and then I saw it, Tha Wide River. Waitin. I was sprawled on tha back, face down in tha mud and when I looked at tha River I just kicked up and away from it, whimperin and whining.

Featherpants snarled I don’t know who to "He better be, otherwise I'm gonna hunt Tohu va Bahu and utterly destroy his soul and send it to Lucifer..." musta been ta Spirit Gal, I hear her too, I try to dig a foxhole in tha mud. Everythin’s better when yer in yer hole. They can’t see ya when yer in yer hole. Tha shrapnel will miss you when yer in yer hole. Sometimes. "Take me to him...please," Joah begged. I hear their feet as they crunch and mush over to me, someone knelt next ta me and I felt a hand "Come on, FB, it's ok you did wonderful..." I looked up, saw their faces as I lay there, lookin down at me and it all came rushin back. THa firefight at tha Firebase, tha Felines comin over tha barricades, and heard tha whine, tha shrill wine of tha shell that took me here tha first time. I bet my eyes just rolled wildly from face ta face and then back at tha River, I could see my feet, pushin away from it and started clutchin my belly and chest. Tha burnin, tha burnin inside me.

I heard Spirit Gal kneelin by me too, leanin over me. The wind roared loud, the trees bent in tha wind. No wind in tha Dark Jungle, no wind by tha Wide River, it’s a still, still place. "My brother you are ok, you sacrifice much and now tat sacrifice is over and Joah is here to protect you as am I..." I opened my muzzle ta warn him, ta warn her, but I was burt too bad, all I could do was ta make a keein noise, cracked and raw and just cry, runnin paws over my old wounds and stare at tha River. Featherpants stood up, tha mud not stickin ta him and he looked down at us both and sighed as he grabbed his cane outta no-where and just guardin, like we was his most precious treasures. Spirit Gal was cryin, and holdin me. I like her eyes. She’s got nice eyes, and she always smelt good. Like fresh dress uniform. I wished I coulda smelt her then, but all I could smell was burnt me and mud. The wind began ta howl, her hair whips back, the trees bend low ta the ground.

Its time, I just wanted ta be away. I tried ta close my eyes but when I did, tha Dark comin fer her was there, waitin in my Other Sight, and that was scarier than seein tha River. Just. So I panted, clutchin my belly and Spirit Gal holds me tight, and I feel her fer tha first time, she was pourin herself inta me, takin my burns, takin it inta her. I reatched up, and clung ta her, and grabbed at Featherpant’s leg, holdin them both like I was drownin. I guess I was. A roarin sound is heard as waves from the River pounded into tha shore. "I want it back!" I guess I healed enough ta croak out “Spirit Gal . . .i love you . . .i'll always come for you, Always” as I looked from tha faces of my Brother and Sister-Lover. She looked up inconfusion and pain. "I...beloved...." She twisted her mouth, her face grimaced in pain and her lips sealed tight. It was back, so I told it, lookin from tha River to It "and that . . . that you will never know, will you?" Tha Thing convulsed as the wind howls. "She is MINE," voices say in a rush of whispers. “no, she aint. theft dont make ownership. she is HERS” I pushed myself up ta all fours in tha mud. The Thing stood, lookin from Featherpants ta me. Tha look of worry and concern on her face is off, it aint right. She laughs silently at me, unable to speak.

Featherpants lets go of his own shell as his eyes rolls into the back of his head and a strong boomin voice came outta nowhere and everywhere "Abomination!" it screams "I cal thee forth, it is time to BOW DOWN!" I couldn’t take all this, I go down inta tha mud again. He booms at It "Come out, Tohu, face a King!" as I crawl away, back ta my foxhole scratchin. The Thing turned and followed me nudged me with the toe of her boot, the reared back her foot and kicked me in tha ribs. Bastard. Tha winds seem ta pick up as a storm darker than night came forth and surrounds my Brother. The Thing looked at the sky. I grabbed at Its foot, and yankin it ta topple It, never get inta a mud fight with a jungle fighter but Featherpants trumps me "Away from HIM!" and throws up his hand, castin fuckin Lightning and aiming at Joah' body, seeming to miss by inches as his eyes flick ta me holdin her.

I go back down as tha static gives me a zap but Tha Thing just stands still, grinnin at me. She turned back toward Featherpants and smiled. His True Form, tha Darkstorm spoke "You're fucking with the wrong woman, YOUNG spirit" he held out his hand and growled "Remove you slimy paws from my Kryptonite, Tohu..."I looked up from the mud as Tha Thing stretched her arms out and smiled. The Darkstorm grabbed It by the arm "perhaps it is time for you to enter my nightmare..." The Thing whiped her head around, realisin it was in tha shit now. He looked down me as they began ta fade away, dematerializin into nothing and he whisperd "Allow chaos to handle this, rest and stay away, you will not be able to help her nor I..." I just nodded and pushe myself deeper into my muddy hole.

Even this, fer all tha risk. Fer all tha cost, was worth it, if fer nothing else, It knows what we’re willin ta do ta get her back.

Failin that. I told her.

How to cook Tofu

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Pencil entry, dated 21/11/2008
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Bastard thing is in my Spirit Gal.
Her Ladyship is away.
Captain Featherpants is actin screw-loose still from bein in Hell.

Raven's Song and me shunted it outta tha Messenger, and it went ta Spirit Gal when no one was Watchin.

No one but me.

Bastard thing. You cant hide from tha Watcher.

I told it ta get out, it laughed at me.
I told it if it hurt her, i'd Hunt it, and it sneared at me.

Told me it was older than Death, older than tha World.
Well, Bastard thing with no Mother, do i got a surprise for you.

Once together, Always together.
Once in a place, Always in a place.
If a thing looks like something, it IS that thing.

I just Changed the rules. Now you're in MY sandbox.
Welcome to the Flux Realm, fucker, where nothing stays Bound.


((100th post, yay me!))

Age Shall Not Weary Them

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Pencil note, dated 11/11/2008
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Lest We Forget

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends"

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Painfully correct pencil writing, dated 11/11/2008
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Ode - Melbourne Shrine Of Remembrance

So long as memory, valour, and faith endure,
Let these stones witness, through the years to come,
How once there was a people fenced secure
Behind great waters girdling a far home.

Their own and their land's youth ran side by side
Heedless and headlong as their unyoked seas,
Lavish o'er all, and set in stubborn pride
Of judgment, nurtured by accepted peace.

Thus, suddenly, war took them, seas and skies
Joined with the earth for slaughter. In a breath
They, scoffing at all talk of sacrifice,
Gave themselves without idle words to death.

Thronging as cities throng to watch a game
Or their own herds move southward with the year,
Secretly, swiftly, from their ports they came,
So that before half earth had heard their name
Half earth had learned to speak of them with fear;

Because of certain men who strove to reach,
Through the red surf, the crest no man might hold,
And gave their name for ever to a beach
Which shall outlive Troy's tale when Time is old;

Because of horsemen, gathered apart and hid,
Merciless riders whom Megiddo sent forth
When the outflanking hour struck, and bid
Them close and bar the drove-roads to the north;

And those who, when men feared the last March flood
Of Western war had risen beyond recall,
Stormed through the night from Amiens and made good,
At their glad cost, the breach that perilled all.

Then they returned to their desired land,
The kindly cities and plains where they were bred,
Having revealed their nation in earth's sight
So long as sacrifice and honour stand,
And their own sun at the hushed hour shall light
The shrine of these their dead!

-Rudyard Kipling

Old Faces

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Pencil note, dated 31/10/2008
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New Moon, Old faces

I was in tha Library, and in walked Quillis. Quillis tha Elder, Quillis former Pack Omega, Pack Beta, Pack Alpha. Walked right in and cuddled up with Del tha Demon. Just cuddled right up.

Odd.

Turns out that Del and Quillis have known each other fer a long time. a LOOOONG time. Like, thousands of years long. Yep, thats right. Quillis my Kin is four and a fuckin half MILLENIA old.

Now, where's tha problem ya ask. Well. none, really. Except this. How long am i gunna live? Are all Lycan's born equal? Tha files i read on me from tha Army were sayin that they thought Lycans lived about tha same as Fleshies. they been wrong about other stuff to, but hen again, they were RIGHT about a lot as well. How long did tha Goddess give ta Lycans, if we didnt get killed by each other, or by Fleshies in huntin parties, or tha pther beasties that roamed tha world.

Quillis and Del were chattin about tha "old days" before iron and steel, when Fleshie huntin was with wood and bone, stone and bronze. Was she just lucky? Was it cause her sire's sire was tha Great Wolf? Did tha Goddess gift her line with long life because of their glorious start?

Her Ladyship is old too, real old, i dont know exactly how old, but i got a good idea. Was that older than Quillis and Del, older than Featherpants or tha Maker? i dont know. I know a lot of real old beings. Not many young ones. Strong Gal, Cookie, tha Little One (she's a special case though) and maybe Rago.

I been an adult fer 13 years, but was only born three years befor that. I dont got a lot of years under my belt, just a lot of campaigns. Guess that makes me old. Seasoned. I guess. Thirteen years of soldierin. Lot of lives taken, lot of souls sent over tha Wide River, rent, shot, burnt, blown up. Lot of debt. Well. Maybe i dont get that thousands of years life time that Quillis got.

maybe i do.

Coyote said "done" and its done. I'd like ta curl up with my loved ones in tha way distant future, when AC we in tha history books, and lay by tha holo-fire with Spirit Gal, and look up at Her Ladyship, and remember back ta when we all lived in Tox, and wasn't is so bloody dirty and crude. I just dont know. My littermates are all dead of old age already, but i was tha only Shifter in tha litter.

We'll see.

I dont mind bein tha youngest. its hard ta weigh up against tha Ancients i run with at times, though. tha only major world events i been at, have been in Tox, or are classified, and "never happened" cause, they're attrocities.

New Moon

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a pencil entry, in a much neater hand, dated 29/10/2008
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New moon, old faces

Three or four days a moon, when Luna hides her face, I get stuck in Fleshie. Every moon. It amazes me how few people notice, and get surprised when they see me, or, don’t see me, as tha case may be. They see tha monkey part of me, tha part I got from my sire. My dam was wild-born four legged, she was with-pup when they brought her to tha Melbourne zoo from tha deserts in America-land. Luna’s joke is how tha men in tha white coats with tha nets and tranq gun and army boots knew which one of my litter was tha Shifter. One night when tha moon rose, and hid her face, and ta-da I wake up cold and sore, on tha hard lumpy ground, and my littermates backing away growlin and whinin. There was me, all Fleshie and stumbling like a new-foaled-deer.

Then came tha bright lights, tha men with tha darts, tha nets. Then came wakin up in another pen, with tha biggest, meanest wolf I’d ever seen. Then came tha trainin. Talkin. Army indoctrination. Military trainin. Hand ta Hand, Claw ta Hand, knives, swords, all kinds of small guns ta big guns. Grenades, and launchers. Drivin. Artillery. Chemical weapons. Torture. Infiltration, sabotage and trackin. All tha great things that Humans have brought inta tha world ta take other Humans outta it. Humans and tha rest of us. Detailed files on tha habits, weaknesses and traits of tha other things that go bump in tha night. How ta kill, capture or evade. All because tha moon shunted me inta Fleshie one night in tha zoo.

And people wonder why I don’t like it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, after that fuckin goddess forsaken siege in Timor when I got blown ta shit but that 90mm, and tha vets put me back tagether, tha shrapnel they left behind would tear me up inside whenever I Changed. Whether I did tha Change myself or Luna did it fer me, that left over metal would shred meat as I Changed. For three years, every moon, every Change. Takes a lot ta scar a Shifter, and I got a lot of scarrin from that shell. Not all of it was to meat, neither, some of it was ta grey matter.

So between tha fear of that remembered monthly agony, and tha fact that Tox aint a safe place, I stick in my War-Form as much as I can. Things are better in my War-Form. I’m warm, got fur, claws, fangs, my ears swivel good, I can SMELL stuff. Tha up sides of bein Fleshie are pretty few. I can see in colour. That’s cool. I get a lot more female attention, and I can’t say that’s not good, neither, and if I was on tha mainland, maybe I’d be happier in it more often. Tha biggest upside? Her Ladyship prefers tha way I look like this. I like ta make her happy. Feels good. Even brings a smile ta Spirit Gals face, too, even though she kinda likes my War Form better, I think.

Its Luna's gag, ta force me ta learn ta accept my Fleshie side, i guess, ta better fit in with tha Fleshie world, seein as i walk half and half. Great. Thanks a lot, Luna. Three or four days, and im Fleshie, three or four days I really gotta watch my tail.

Or . . .not, as tha case may be.

Tha Dance

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Pencil note, hastily jotted, as if on the move, dated 22/10/2008
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come dance by the fire,
come dance by the sea,
come dance for our loved ones,
come, dance beside me.

Song fer tha future

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two verses torn from an album cover, and stuck in the journal with glue
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Its no secret were close
As sweaty velcro
Like latex, fur and feathers
Stuck together
Now

**********

Her and me an her and she and me
An uncrowded couple are we three
Hey we dont care what people say
When walking hand in hand down kings highway
Two for one today

Rescue Mission!

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Reasonably neat pencil note, smeared with mango, dated 1/10/08
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"She's gone" that’s how Blue greeted me out front of Haven. Bloody demons never talk proper. Who's gone I asked. "Joah, I’m going to miss her...she left with Emo-boy to find the Brat, shes been gone a long while" Translatin, Spirit Gal got escorted inta tha Dreamin by tha Maker ta snatch tha Little One outta her captivity. Things must notta gone smooth. All I could say was a hearty "fuck" and sit there considerin options.

Tha Dreamin aint a place ya should travel too on a whim, unless yer goin in tha usual way, in yer sleep. Tha rules are different fer dreamers and Realm-walkers. Fer one thing ya don’t wanna fall asleep there, or ya may never wake up. Other thing is that ya don't wanna go alone. Reality isn't fixed in tha Dreamin and havin a buddy about can make all tha difference between makin a quick trip and getting stuck like tha Little One did. Like I hoped Spirit Gal hadn't.

I needed a jaunt buddy. Someone that had tha grey matter and tha spiritual grunt ta take it serious. Normally I woulda asked tha Maker or tha Spirit Gal, but they were tha ones missin. Bright Gal woulda been good too, but I don’t have a hotline to tha heavens ta get in touch with her, even if it was fer her Little One. Captain Featherpants was on scheduled walkabout. Wasn't gunna make a bigger deal outta it than I needed to, without tha facts. A Reccy mission.

I collected tha Messenger, who came when I summoned a Messenger from Raven, filled with portents and visions. Who better ta take along with me inta tha Dreamin. I got a connection with Spirit Gal, a pretty strong one, I hope, and between that, and knowin where they launched off from, in this case, more eyewitness accounts, in front of tha Fireplace, I was pretty sure I could home in on tha Spirit Gal, at least, if they were still in there, or, wherever. I bundled up my kit, and fetched a smoke bundle.

Smoke is a good way ta break through to tha Realms, ta move inta tha Other. Helps even more, when ya have someone yer gunna pull through with ya. I went down to tha Fireplace, and took tha Messenger’s hand in paw, and asked her if she trusted me. “oui, you have never steered me badly so for” Close enough. I took a good grip, and tossed tha bundle inta tha fire. Tha dry leaves and resins caughts, and flared up in a plume of smoke, and with an act of will, we dragged our bodies inta tha Realm of tha Dreamin.

Funny thing about tha Dreamin. Ya often see yerself as ya dream ya were, or how ya dream yerself ta be, or, even yer past. It’s a crazy place. Tha Messenger, when she recovered, well, she had wings, nice frilly black wings. We were in a tall arched corridor, it was dim, cool and carved. Some kinda stone, I guess. It stretched away to tha left, but I heard water sounds to tha right. And turning my muzzle, I say that tha corridor ended and a swamp began. There were trees in tha water, like up North, where tha Croc’s live, but this didn’t look like mangroves. More like rainforest. It was dim, and there were figues in tha mist.

Most important, Spirit Gal was right there, at my paws. Oh, yeah, I was in my Native form, Four Legs, and I couldn’t talk. Win some, Lose some. In some dreams I can, in some I cant. She was asleep, and breathin slow. Tha Messenger tried talking to her, and I licked her ta wake her. She stirred but didn’t wake. I licked her some more, and pulled at her with my teeth. Still no good. Well, when a Packmate is down, and ya need ta wake them, there’s always pain. So I bit her.

On tha Shoulder, where I’ve bit her before. Just light ta start with, and gave her a bit of a shake, settlin my teeth in ta get a good grip, not hard enough to bite inta her flesh but. I shook her and managed ta get a noise outta her. Least that was a good sign. Tha Messenger spoke to her again, and she stared ta come around. When she did, and she saw who it was, we got a bit of tha story outta her as ta what had happened. Seems her and tha Maker had a difference of opinions and tha Dreamin drew it out of them and made it epic. That place does that too.

Short story, it got heated, too heated fer tha Maker, and he bailed, ditchin Spirit Gal in an exotic Realm she didn’t know how ta deal with. It did its thing, and sent her ta slepp. Problem is, if ya sleep in tha Dreamin, where do ya Dream into? And what is there ta wake ya? Nothin.

Getting back out, well, that’s not hard, if ya know how, neither, and can work it by will or skill. Some beins, like tha Fallen, or Feathers, can do it under their own steam easy. Magic. Some of us know how ta use tha Realm, and tha tagetherness of tha Other, ta skip from one to another. Tha Goddess is everywhere, and everywhere is of tha Goddess. Ya just have ta know how ta get her blessin. So we looked for a path. I lead, makin sure we passed tha other denizens at a distance, never good ta get mixed up in someone else’s dream if ya needn’t. We walked and waded through htha swamp, onta a beach, over hills and through lightning to a wall.

I saw tha sea on tha other side of tha wall up tha mountain, and it was just a matter of scalin it in order ta reach tha Sea. Tha Wide Water. I know it well. When we got to it, I had some trouble explainin tat ha Messenger and Spirit Gal they had ta look inta tha water, but not touch it. Ta see tha reflection of themselves at tha point and pass through. Times like that, talking is real bloody useful.

But we did it, Spirit Gal was afraid. Afraid of tha water. I wonder if she understood, that it bein tha Wide Water, it was connected to tha Wide River. Maybe she felt that. Not something I can recommend swimmin. That water is as cold as Death. Pardon tha pun. No death fer us on this trip though. I took them Home. To tha Island. We arrived on warm sand, under a gentle sunrise, and tha smell of seagrass and palm.

Her Ladyships island. Home. I took my Fleshie form for a bit, I like tha feel of sand between my toes and tha soft silks of tha couches on my skin, and made sure I could feed them both. THAT was hard work, but a tail fer another page.

Spirit Gal, Succubus and Shadows, oh my!

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Pencil note in a messy scribble dated 17/9/08
======================================

I was listening ta Blue doin a stint on KTOX, on my headset, and dancing away in front of tha fireplace, just kinda a shuffling slow dance, watchin tha fire a bit, and closing my eyes fer tha rest, just swimming in tha music, feelin grounded. Feelin real relaxed, after all tha Shadow visits and talk, I needed ta chill out, so a few hours shuffling without bein bothered had done me wonders. Hearin Blue’s voice, over my comms is weird though. Sleepin in her warm spot on my cushion was weird too, but, tha hospitality of tha Library extends ta all. Still, all their comins and goind had gotten me right nervous. That Feline-makin-curse has seriously messed with their heads, made some of them, right pleasant. That makes me nervous, cause I don’t understand them any more. All of a sudden though, I get this “boo!” from behind. Like I said I’m a nervous critter, it belies my feral side. I spook easy, but it keeps me alive. I’m not a coward, I aint afraid of danger and death, I just don’t like surprises.

Surprises usually mean a trip across tha Wide River in a bucket. SO I lashed out. All instinct. I heard tha noise of tha “boo!” and dropped to all fours on tha ground, swept out a leg at knee hight trying to collect the back of tha legs of who ever it was and snapped back a paw, ready ta claw tha crap out of whoever, or what ever it was. Time always seems ta slow down when this happens, I felt my hinleg connect, and sweep tha person over, and as I finished my spin, claws up, ready ta set to it, I see Spirit Gal fallin backwards. I make a grab fer her, but she clomps down on her butt.

“holy heyzeus on a stick, Spirit Gal, ya scared tha bollocks off me” I spluttered and I came up close to her as she coughed, started risin and dustin herself off. "I just wondered if I could," she grinned. I reached up and switched off tha radio "that'll learn me . . i'm real sorry there, are ya awright?" She said she was fine, tha she was really fine, but, she’s awful Fleshie, and I’m a bit of a bruiser. Just ta be sure i scooted over close, on all fours and looked her over, paws running quickly over legs and hips, examining her fer claw gouges or shock or whatever.

Spirit Gal smiled at me and tried ta assure me she was good "It's okay, really, At least you didn't spill tea on me like Abi did today."
She was, not contusions, abrasions, lacerations ta speak of. My exam done, I was hardly gunna let a chance fer a feel go unanswered so I grined and kept "examining" all the same "tea burns, nasty, stainy too . . . ." Spirit Gal squirms a bit under the attention. "She was showing off. She meant to dump it all on Blue." Spirit Gal is real close ta Blue. Like Featherpants is close ta her mate, Picket. This makes a complex thing inta a dangerous thing, considerin who and what Blue and Picket are. Shadows. Demons of tha House of Shadows. Picket was born, Blue, turned. I find it kinda hard ta swallow, but, can tha friend of my friend be my enemy?

I understand tha House of Shadows. I know their numbers. I know what the do, and why. I seen it first hand and picked up tha pieces after. Time and again. They’ve tried ta kill me a bunch of times, sometimes outta hand, sometimes personal. They have killed my friends, and Kin. Tortured and mangeled em. Twisted their minds and even recruited em. I know them, and understand them. I trust them ta always be what they are. Tha lot of em. Kishi, Phynix, Quiet, Nuku, Blue, Jason, Kumori, Krazzy. I know them. I know what they do, and why. I trust them ta always be that. Behind every smile is a silver dagger, waitin. Lorne went to them.

So did tha Huntress, and look how THAT turned out. Severus came from them, even Captain Featherpants has done his time with them, and I trust them, don’t i?

I blinked and snapped back to Spirit Gal “Abi really DOES earn her name doesn’t she? "Tha Brat" they call her . . .She's Tha Little One ta me though. Spirit Gal looked thoughtful a moment “Well, to be truthful Grr, she looked a bit afraid when she realized she'd dumped it on me, too. Although I don't know why.” I like tha way she says my name. I see an openin, and I take it, grin wickedly and "examined" up her hips and waist "can't imagine why . . .must be somethin ta do with yer otherworldlyness, maybe she thought ya'd melt”. Spirit Gal lets out a "Hey!" laughed, twistin away a little from my pawin and batted me on the muzzle playful like. "Melt? I'm not sugar. I don't think a little water has ever hurt me.”

I had a bit of a chuckle and stood up, still shufflin on my pads, tha Dance was in me now, no denyin tha Dance. “i'd want ta know too, ya know, just in case, but no, you're more like salt, makes fire go pretty . . . she reached up for my ear bud ta have a listen, but she couldn’t quite reach it. "Salt . . . ." I just licked my lips and nodded to the fireplace, then looks back at her. Salt is far more important than sugar. I might roam hundreds of klicks ta find a salt-lick, and walk right past a fruit tree. Salt is life, sugar is kinda nice. I don’t think she quite understood, but that’s OK, she DID turn a nice blush-colour. Red I expect, I could se tha blush at least.

I leaned down, and offered my earpiece ta show it was silent "i'm not dancin ta music now, just ta life". I shuffled about on my foot-pads slightly, hips swaying, tail wagging, and paws keepin time on my thighs Spirit Gal got a funny look ta her at that, kinda a fond but puzzled expression "To life?" she folded her arms over her chest, studying me. "I don't think I'll understand the things you do, or dance the dance like you." She looks so alone, when she gets like this. She is alone, we’re all alone, and at tha same time, she’s Family, she’s Pack, she’s my friend, she’s never alone. “maybe, Spirit Gal, maybe, i can't say i'll ever understand half of what YOU do or why ya do it, but . . .. it sings, so i dance” All of a sudden, she wraped her arms around my waist and lays her head on my chest. "I don't understand what I do."

"life, Spirit Gal, in all its forms, tha livin, tha dead, those inbetween. sometimes tha Spirits call ta me ta dance, so i dance. . . . . just be glad they aint askin me ta sing . . . hahahaha . . . full moon and all . . . .” Spirit Gal nods. "Full moon . . . and a few things come to light that haven't been seen before." Joah frowns thinking of somethin. I got still, held her, and stroked your hair, shoulders and back. Shuffling about so she have the softest and warmest place to press her head on me. “we all are, what we are, and, what things? ya can talk ta me, i got big ears and broad shoulders”

Spirit Gal buries herself in my arms. I got big arms, good fer holdin small people, or rolling cars over. "Rago was here. He wasn't well. But Abi was . . . too bright, too happy, too strong. We talked about . . . how you can't magick things without paying the price. You know, there has to be an equal exchange, Grr. Things don't come into being from nothingness. And Lorne has warned her about this.” Seems Tha Little One has been stretchin herself thin, and drawin on her lover ta feed tha fires. “ahh, there's trouble with them, Rago is fully down about tha Little One. Tha Other. Its a place, and nothin's free, there or here.

Spirit Gal nodded and went on, its her story. “No . . . nothing's free. I examined him. And Rago? It was more than sadness. And I . . I asked Abi too . . . I saw something, Grr.” I had a feelin I saw where this was goin “like yer Healin . . .right? YOU pay . .he's waistin, aint he?” She nodded, I was spot on. “He is. But she was angry and suspicious of Star and Oreta and left. There's a parasite . . . .” She started tracin tha pattern on my sleeve with her fingertips. I just shrugged, putting tha pieces tagether from what I knew "child of Demon and human woman, who was Raised as a Angel . . . . not too many options there . . . ther's a name fer it too, dunno if its tha right one.” Spirit Gal looked thoughtful “What name would you call it?”

“succubus, fits some of tha profile at least. That'd piss Sev off chronic, that that what ya meant?” She agreed with me. “It would. But you're right. She's drawing payment . . . for the magicks, somehow. I don't know that she even realizes it. And she was talking to someone. I thought her Father, at first. Someone who wasn't there. Now . . . I'm not so certain. I wish the Lady were here..” She wraped her arms tightly around me. “lots of kinds of predators out there, and parasite types too. we all gotta eat . . . "
She goes on “Abi doesn't need this . . . to live, Grr. I'm really not sure she knows she's doing it.” Guess I wasn’t on tha right track
“no, i undertand tha difference she's usin others ta fuel her powers? thats whats buggin ya, right?”

Spirit Gal looked up at me, I could see tha trouble behind her eyes “Please don't say anything to anyone, until I've made certain. Grr, Rago's waisting. His hair lightened, like it was turning gray It's like a slow rape of his body, his spirit.” I suggested we could hold a display, get a bunch if tha Will Workers tagether, and do a few tricks each, and have a look ta see where Abi's power COMES from but she thought it was too soon ta tell, she wanted ta research more, fair enough too, if Rago lasted that long. “Feshies aint built ta cope with magic. It's like radiation, little bits here and there dont make no difference . . .too much, too close, or even a little all tha time. . . does stuff . . .”

Spirit Gal got all stiff in my arms. "What do you mean 'does stuff?' I'm flesh, aren't I?" touched a real raw nerve there I think. “UM
well, like tha greyin of his hair, that’s a classic sign and yes, Spirit Gal, ya are flesh, warm ,nice, solid flesh, but that aint tha kinda Fleshie, i meant. i meant tha Homo sapiens sapiens variety, and that, i can fairly surly say, yer not”. Spirit Gal pressed in close again. "I don't know what I am, Grr. I dream of fire and iron." Joah goes quiet, resting in my arms. I’m real glad she finds comfort with me near, it was real hurful when she was all afeared of me after talking about . . .food. Took a long time fer us ta get back that trust. Like I say, trust is about knowin what a thing is, what it does, and when. I’m glad she trusts me again.

“fire and iron are magic in themselves, Spirit Gal most Fleshies think themselves too advanced ta remember that, but us closer to tha ground remember, and know. i dont know what ya are either Spirit Gal, i got a strong feelin, but i dont know, and it dont bother me at tha slightest. , not tha slightest. Ya know i dont Name false. i'm a crafty bugger, but what comes out of my mouth is tha way i see it.” Spirit Gal looked up at me again after liftin her face feom my belly fur "You Name true," she smiled. "And I'm far too serious tonight." I don’t care how serious she gets, as long as there is ease in her heart from my company, I’m doin awright. “it . . . erm . . . its not like most Fleshies would be keen ta lay down beside A shifter, neither, once they knew, , that also kinda makes its own point. yer not cowed but tha Beast. Its in their instincts ta fear tha claw and tooth and fur. I dont know whatcha are, but im walkin beside ya on tha Path”

Tha Goddess would be proud, and I bet Coyote got a chuckle too.

Violets are blue

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CD cover torn out and pasted in, pencil entry dated 18/7/08
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On a hot summer night. Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Will he offer me his mouth?
Yes
Will he offer me his teeth?
Yes
Wlll he offer me his jaws?
Yes
Will he offer me his hunger?
Yes
Again. Will he offer me his hunger?
-Yes-
And will he starve without me?
Yes
And does he love me?
Yes
Yes
On a hot summer night. Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
Yes
I bet you say that to all the boys.

===========================

Who ever that Meatloaf guy is sure makes a good point. Funny Fleshie. I been wanderin a fair bit. Keepin my head down still. No sign of tha MP's fer a long while, but ya never know. Even it they didn't get me, they could still cause grief for tha Institute. That ain't what i was gettin on about. I been feelin tha turn of tha seasons again. My-She has left Tox fer tha mainland. Fer good, i expect. Too much hate here, too much filth, too much strife. My-She is a kind an gentle bein, she deserves better than this place. I visit when i can, when duty, tha Paths or shipping will allow.

Her Ladyship has been goin through a pretty fuckin awful time. Nareth gone, Labyrinth in her place. Things goin on with Poncho. Ethan and Britt's intoxication. More stuff. Joah getting crazy from dealin with Labyrinth and Nareth's knife. We have had a few new faces come through. I made some new friends with tha Felines. Even got over tha "cats and dogs" crap that Fleshies keep spoutin.

But tha words of tha song keep comin back to me. My room at Omega's house has roses. I wake smellin them. They speak ta me of life and nature. Beauty with tha danger of thorns. Maybe I should go find some. See what happens.

Healing Old Wounds

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Pencil entry dated 9/6/08 Two different pencils had to be used due to the length
====================================

Dear ratty old notebook, I got some bloody brilliant news. i been runnin about doin stuff, feelin good, livin life to busy ta write about my amazin good fortune. My amazin friends. My amazin Family. My amazin love.

Last week I got a call that a body had been found, second one like it, and another set of eyes would be useful. I arrive as Jon, Poncho and Her Ladyship are talking quietly. They fill me in but there isn't much to tell about what was already a cleaned scene. "err, i think i need ta see tha first body . . i might be able ta tell somethin from it . ..bodies i know . . ." Poncho looks over to Her Ladyship to confirm, who nods. Poncho looks over "First body is in the morgue, follow me" Her Ladyship agrees "Yes, I think that is a wise idea" and we head over. When we get there I look about and speak quietly "Ladyship . . ." She answers, She always uses my Name. "Yes, GrrBrool?" I go on as I slide open the cabinet I smell fresh kill on, even with my Fleshie nose. "ya know, i hid out in here fer a while . . . always quiet in here, no one tryin ta Hunt, AND, tha smell masks mine . . ." I look at the body "so, whatcha gonna show me, meaty-chunks?"

Poncho hands me a folder, "Heres what we've recieved thus far." he's a good fella, sharp, deed seein, good head on his shoulders. A Leader. I look through the file. A letter. Crazy stuff. I look back at tha body. "huh. cut, fast slash, right ta left, sharp, maybe claw, could be a serrated knife, oooohkay. ya been gutted, aintcha? missin some liver, . . .good eatin in liver . .. looks like some of tha ribcage came away, thats some serious force . . . other organs just kinda shredded. I don't get fazed by meat, unless it's got a face I care about. Poncho nods, taking down the notes, surprised when I stop, hand still in the cavity and look up sharply. He don't have any idea what I got happenings with my hand deep in this dead woman. my whole body stiffens and i slowly pull his hand out, gripping the slab, Tha Pain has set in and I start ta rabbit on "muuk, fer. FUCKS. sshhhhhAKE." I pushe away from the slab, leanst the wall, gripping it, nails raking it "rrrrkkkk" Poncho looks puzzled, turning to Her Ladyship as I slide down the wall to ground level, clutching his chest and belly, smearing the girls blood over me. Her Ladyship raises an eyebrow and looks to Pontifex.. "the New Moon nears its end.. he changes, perhaps?" Poncho nods, "Nareth will be hunting again..."

I leaned my face agaisnt the cold wall panting, sweating . Bloody inconsiderate “ggguuuukhhhhccchhhh"
I punch the door of the next slab, breaking fingers like an idiot. Tha Pain. Not good. Her Ladyship steps forward, unsure what to do to help. I arch my back, and a sickenin poppin sounds out briefly. Her Ladyship tilts her head, eyes widening. She's not seen my Moon-Shift before. I’ve managed ta be elsewhere. No such luck this time. Too eager ta be useful. Failin at that too. " grrrruuh, rrruuuhhhaahhhh" Then it stops i stop shuddering, still panting, sweating, now clutching my banged up hand. "fuck this shit" I look up at Her Ladyship and Poncho "fuckin sorry, folks, guess we're occilatin. Moon must be wigglin on tha equator. fuckin Newton" Poncho is caught off guard by his own chuckle. I guess he's laughin with me, not at me. I just look pained, and feel embarassed. "I, i think i broke somethin. usually come good by now"
I hold up a swelling left hand, split knuckles. "erm, i think i better get some ice" Her Ladyship nods, I look to the body but She cuts me off. "Let's get you sorted out, hmm? We can finish this later - she's not going anywhere." but I can sum it up. she was gutted, awright, fer food, er ritual, hard ta say, though. i feel tha right plonker. bad timin, that. Her Ladyship shakes her head.. I grin, in spite of things, then flex my hand and frown. its broke, two fingers i think. I duck off, leavin Ponch with His Lady, lookin fer ice, mutterin to myself "great . . .now yer a wus AND a freak"


Later on, there was a bunch of us in Tha Library. We've been talkin Gods and Mortals. Dreams come up. I let slip about mine. Must be Tha Pain.Lari regards me "Are you fighting nightmares?" as My-She banters with Kaine "you can choose to refute hope and give up on dreams... or you can choose to chase them.. search for them.. find them... my choice is to chase them till they are mine" I tell Lari that I dream about Timor as Pix stares into the fire "sometimes dreams are all there is" My-She catches my line, bites her bottom lip and whispers "we will take care of part of that soon, my One.. today maybe.."
I just make a face "cant take away what i did, My-She" as Lari asks "Timor?" My-She reached over and wraps around me tightly ..whispering fiercely "being the most beautiful Being i know" I know. I go on though "yeah, Lari, little place north of Australia" Kaine still continues to sing to himself, I press on "lovely place, where children would dance and play and sing, and loving mothers bring cool drinks ta their loved ones . . .oh, wait, we killed them all" I shut up with a frown. Lari nods. "Your past hunts you, then?"
I try ta apologize "sorry, all, ya didnt need me ta say that" no one wants ta hear about tha monster I used ta be.My-She looks at me eyes aching with my pain "wasnt you, my One.. was The Soldier.."

Kaine pipes up too "I think I may take my leave.... I suddenly wish to forget the bitter taste of forsaken dreams" Her Ladyship nods solemnly to him. Lari gasps quietly, and nods, standing up, and crouching beside me She strokes his chin and made me look into her eyes so I lean forward and bumps heads with her then look up, catching Laris eyes in my own. bright yellow matching hers. We feel tha touch of minds. Her Ladyship sighs a little, looking concerned.."There is not one of us here without a little regret over the past, GrrBrool.." my eyes go wide as Lari touches my mind. My-She looked over my head, to Lady Omega.. biting her bottom lip as Pix silently nods in agreement, staring into the fire.

"gerk" Tha Pain has come back. I blink rapidly at Lari, and shudder as she just stares, her skin, even her eyes glowing, pulsing as she breathes. She keeps on staring after he blinks, still holding my chin. I know what’s coming. I try ta leave, ta spare them tha spectacle. I try to lift myself up on my broken hand and rolls to one side. Idiot. "gakh, aww, fuckkkiittt." can’t get away. Lari winces, and reaches to hold me up so I don't tumble too hard. My face screws up, I started twitching, jaw clenched tight. Her Ladyship sighs, watching. My-She watches.. helpless. "ahhhrrrrhkkkk" real captivatin speech. I just twitched and writhed, clutchin my chest and belly Some one I love calls "Grr????" I can’t tell who, it hurts too much. Lari glows even stronger, holding me gently by an arm, watching I shudder, calming, breathin slows to normal. Lari's doin. as she stared into my eyes, so she slowly disappeared, takin a trip in me. Then with a sudden burst, fur sprouts, bones shift, spine rolls, tail grows, joints pop and roll the way only a Shifters can, and I just curl inta a ball. I can hear My-She start to reach for me, then tha creak of tendons as she pulls back. Her Ladyship winces at my pain. I hear it over my pantin I relax, steamin, and sit up.

Pix's smile is wary. She's seen it before. My-She whispers so so so softly "please help me to fix this, Goddess, please.." I padded carefully to her, drapin an arm and she nuzzled softly against me. I looked over to Her Ladyship and around tha room. "i'm so sorry ya all saw that". Well, that set My-She right off. "will you STOP apologising for this!!??!!?? each and every one of us loves you, you goofy mutt. LOVES. not just .. yeah ok, hes a nice enough guy. LOVES, so stop being a nit". I could just barely nod. Pix chimes in "She's right Grr, and you know it" I tried ta make my self clear. "well, thats why i dont want ya ta see it, yeah?" My-She croons to me "baby" before Lari grined to My-She "Well he is just modest." I feel I gotta explain. I ain't groppin fer sympathy or pitty. "what kinda sick thing ya think i am, huh?" but its Her Ladyship's turn "Should I apologise, GrrBrool, for being a Vampire? Would you like me to offer you an apology for that?"

Lari tilts a head to Omega, laughing. Pix kicks in "Grr, all of that is part of who you are, just like Lar can show you her wings and I can yell at you. We love you" Makes me feel worse, it ain't what I mean at all. " no, Yer Ladyship, I just dont want ta show all that pain." My-She gets fierce at me "then tough guy.. allow me to try to take that pain away?" Her Ladyship is on a roll though, "And what of Mirah. Look at her! Whiskers sprouting from her cute face. Should she apologise? Perhaps Pix might apologise for her wings." She shakes Her head. I reply real low. "I, um, it aint tha Change i'm sorry fer." My-She mutters "whiskers tickle" Pix agrees, "wings are useless". I go on real quiet. They ain't heard me. "Please. dont make me show this anymore, please." but Her Ladyship is riled "It's an insult to all of us, to think we would require an apology. Because you feel pain. And should we hide from you, then? Our pains, our joys? I whimpered "i dont want ya ta see it" My-She "oh my One... the very last thing any of us want is for you to be in pain, ever, but share it with you, we will. until we can make it disappear. and i am going to try to do that" I just balled up, curled up, putting my arms over my head. Her Ladyship noded to her, and she went on. "i would love to see you live your Changes in the joy they used to be for you" then she reached into a small pouch and pulled out a couple tiny metal balls, and rolled them onto the rug.

"may i show you what i am thinking...? these metal balls are not the same composition of metals as the shrapnel.. but." I relaxed again, and looked as My-She's eyes seem to change .. almost looking metallic.. her gaze is into some distant place, then I peaked at tha balls as her lips moved, without sound, and her fingers swirl the air with softly glowing streaks. Pix carefully walked up to me smiling gently and kisses the top of my head "rest easy, we all love you" before rising and walking away "take care all". At first I didn't see anything happening to tha balls but gradually their edges become fuzzy looking.. their smoothness was gone. more quickly, they seemed ta erode from all sides, becoming smaller.. paler... dimmer..until they disappear. I watched intently as My-She leaned back, breathing softly, her eyes changing to their normal bright colour." it isn't exactly the same... but.. like that, much much more care of course.. this is inside you..." I looked from her to Her Ladyship and back. I saw tha approval in Her eyes. "and much healing and patching needs to be done too and scar tissue to heal..but.. i can .. i think"

I curled into My-She's lap "do it, when yer ready, do it, i don't love my pain, i hate it. i hate it cause it stops me from bein . . me, it huts ta see ya all hurtin, do it. i'm more afraid of tha looks in yer eyes than what might happen. Do it." She stroked my fur softly and whispered "here.. now.. you in my lap.. our Lady at our sides? what of the penance you seek?". "fuck penance. my pain aint gonna hurt no one else." She kept strokin my fur.. "alright... but i have one request first" I can smell her tears. And feel Her Ladyships gaze. "kiss me first?" how could I refuse?

I looked up, bright yellow eyes, sparkling, lovingly, as i kissed her, muzzle softly pressing, she responds to the kiss, passionately... pulling away gently, she whispered "I love you GrrBrool" my heart lept. But I stood my ground. I sat up, leant over and hugged Her Ladyship, Omega, around the waist swiftly, leaning up to rub my muzzle agaisnt Her cheek and pulling back to look Her in the eyes. She held me tight, whispered.. "all will be well..."

My-She said softly "you will be awake.. you will see both of us.. here with you.. ok?" as I give a posture of total relaxation, tail wagging slolwy, eyes lidded, hunkered down looking from one to the other, utterly, UTTERLY secure."i will try hard to make sure it wont hurt at all" I tell her. "pain and me .. . got a special two fer one deal, My-She, dont you worry aboiut that one little bit" she goes on some "and i want you to tell me anything you feel ok? i do worry about it.. the last thing on earth i ever want is to hurt you"
I shook out my head, back, arms, my whole body, grabed my bag, and sword, and gently undid them, and sent them skittering under tha couch. I tell My-She i'll see her on tha other side, either way. She growled.. "no talking like that. you will be awake.. here.. talking..." she scooted over.. snuggling me between Her Ladyship and herself.. wrapped her arms around me. "baby.. it will be ok.. YOU arent going ANYwhere. promise" Reminds me how much longer tha two of em have been about. I look from face ta face. I tell them I believe. That I got . . .Faith.

Mirah McGuire smiles at the Lady, and beams at me " i could do this encased in a full ritual..calling the quarters.. setting the wards.. calling the guardians.. but.. there are three of us here..three is the perfect number and She is with us always. i lay still as I can breathng softly, mouthing a prayer ta Coyote and tha Goddess that my body lets her work. That I don't fight her. Merma comes in and greets, open-mouthed. "so.. simply... Mother.. we seek healing for the Being we love, GrrBrool.. i, Your Priestess, ask for Your wisdom, Your healing skill, Your love and Your Blessings in this Work... thus i have prayed, in perfect Love and in perfect Trust.. so mote it Be"

Merma's eyes widened looking around"what happened to grr?" I hear Her Ladyship say "He's fine, Merma.. we heal an old wound." and My-She continues, sparing a smile for Merma as always.. "nothing .. well nothing new... i am .. we are.. seeking to heal old wounds" Merma nods looking between them both "do you need assistance?" My-She stroked her hand softly over my cheek, shaking her head, "not in the actual work, but love and adding to the power would be very welcome" Merma nods and goes the cushion near us "I will pray then." My-She starts the Working. Moving tiny atoms.. patching wounds the doctors could never touch so long ago.. i lay as still as i can, just my ears and tail twitching. I see through Lari's gift as My-She finds a jagged piece of shrapnel.. accepts the agony .. fire.. from the cold iron, and Merma clsoes her eyes praying softly opening her energies for her use. She feels Merma's beautiful spirit along with Lady Omega's... as she slowly .. painfully works not only to disintegrate the cold iron that is tearing at her soul.. but to heal the tears and wounds and scars it's caused inside me. She continues slowly, scanning.. moving tiny atoms.. pushing things back into the shape they should be. Several pieces of shrapnel lodged near and in my spine require very slow close intense concentration... rejoining nerves.. making sure their spark travels as it should.... the pain of the cold iron numbing her extremities now. She whispered soothing words in several different languages.. eyes still far far away.... fingers moving over me body, directing her Work.. Through Lari's ghost eyes I see Her Ladyship hand grip tha arm of the chair as She watches. Merma kept prayin softly with her eyes closed. delicately.. easing a piece of metal away from his spine while healing the flesh as the shrapnel erodes.. filling the hole it leaves with healing flesh and sinew and blood and bone...

I twitches twice, and get still, she slides over the area making sure all the shrapnel around my spine is gone.. that everything seems right.. whispering "GrrBrool, wiggle your toes and fingers please?"
I wriggled fingers, left hand, right hand. I wriggled toes, left foor, left foot. I wriggled my tail. My-She whisperd a soft thank You to Tha Goddess as she continued.. searching my body, healing, the touch of the shrapnel .. the deep numbness is spreading and Lari sees that My-She knows she doesn’t have much more time.. she has to finish healing him before..... before..something. She finds a large piece is against my heart.. so close.. so dangerous.. atom by atom ..slowly eroding it.. agony lancing through her.. to fall off into the dark numbness that is slowly filling her... patching the wound.. healing the Being she loves... Me. Desperate to finish this Work before she cannot continue.. Her Ladyship watches Mirah, her brow furrowing..

My-She, deep in her search whispered "deep breath... tell me .. does it hurt?" She scans his lungs wondering how I survived these wounds... wishing she had been there to help me back then... It hurts, but it’s a healin hurt. Like bein shot, er stabbed. Not tha long ache of an untended wound “rrrr, no, feelin . . .peachy” is all I can muster, I don’t wanna et her feel anything but confidence, and success. She passes hands over me finding one more grouping of shrapnel.. its all she can see... eyes darkening... eroding the pieces with a little less finesse.. healing carefully as she can.... then she whispered try.. “try changing”. Her Ladyship watches intently, her eyes shifting to Merma who whispered softly ta herself. My-She watched me carefully... looking for wounds hidden from sight.. sees none.. Merma looked up still mumbling softly watching mirah intently. I nod. I lay, hesitant, waitin for tha pain as Lari’s eyes show me My-She as tha dark cold fills her .. she clings to awareness.. has to see if im awright. Merma sees it too, moved closer to her askin softly "are you okay?". I get ready, I sighed and rolled inta a ball. My She doesn't answer... watching . feeling.. waiting. I roll tighter inta a ball.

I Changed!

In a flash, a bright, beautiful flash inside my eyes, held from me for years now. I Changed with no pain. I am in my four-leg form so i sat upright wagging tail and panting as My-She lets slip a tear and collapsed. Her Ladyship leans forward in her chair and Merma reaches out to My-She stopping her from hitting the floor, quickly her hand changes colour to black and starry light motes entering her body healing and soothing. I lean in, nuzzles My-She and lick at her cheek, murmuring in my native tongue of growls, yip, and chirps. I whimpere and looked ta Merma and Omega closed my eyes and swiftly Changed again.
Her Ladyship rises swiftly from her chair, leaning over Merma who frowned as beads of sweat show on her forhead "I dont understand.. its not working like it should." Her Ladyship looked to Merma, nodding slightly, decision made.. but I’m faster to act.

I scooped My-She up, she weighs nothing at tha best of times, and now, I have tha rush of life in me and I glow. Literally. Her Ladyship tears a glove off. bites savagely at her right wrist, tearing flesh with her fangs... as I begin ta chant outloud, in tha language of tha Wild. None there would know what I said, and I don’t feel like sharin, but this is what it woulda sounded like in case ya hear it again.

“aashuah nae ruak sheeneaah frrauah cheena han sha newferas nee hans soo alliea ba ne go cha nee whron, cha ne sh vata ne ro vata ne shuan! VATA NE Sh-AHN!”

Tha call was between me, Coyote and Tha Goddess.


Her Ladyship holds her wrist out, nodding to me..”Feed, Mirah..” as I called down the elemental forces of the Wild and started ta glow from within with a golden red light as it filled me. Her Ladyship brought her dripping wrist close to Mirah's lips.. as I made my own Working.

“aashsunaka ara she no ma naeee i sha SHE mana She MATRE SHE”

Again, its between Coyote, Tha Great Mother and me. But I think ya get tha idea what I was askin fer.

The scent... the blood.. the.. other... calls My-She to feed, gasping in agony and beauty as the fire races through her, she leant in Her Ladyship growled low in her throat, her tone commanding.. “FEED.” My-She yowled, an unearthy sound.. and started feedin almost ravenously... I loomed, filled with an essence greater than my body could hold, standing taller and larger than most have seen a mortal do. I breathed in, holding the breath of the room stilled. I breathed out, to the sound of Chinook wind. Her Ladyship snarled, forcing herself to stand still and My-She gasped.. blood dripping down her chin.. and blinked.. eyes open but still unseein. Flames reflected inside her eyes for the briefest second.. then they cleared and she saw Lady Omega standing right there as I held her in my arms, eye ta eye with Her Ladyship, “Lady... is ... he .. is ....” Her Ladyship replies “He's fine Mirah.. just fine..” and I bend my head down to kiss her in my arms, before startin dancin about the room gently with her in his arms. She sees the blood on herself, on Her Ladyship, on my muzzle from the kiss and asks "what...... who .. " then realises the room is whirling and she realised who’s strong arms are holding her.. "Grrrr???" as I lick her face clean of tears and blood and worry.

Her Ladyship steps back, sinking into a chair, cradling her wrist.. as I still dance. My-She catches a glimpse of Lady Omega.. and wiggles out of Grr's arms to race to her, kneeling at her feet “ Lady... oh Goddess, Lady what have You done?.” I can barely contain myself. Its been so long, and the pain is gone. “Nothing, Mirah.. only what I could. You are all right?” My-She cried again, I could smell it "for me?.. i ... " My eyes were still glowing, as I winked to Merma "thanks" as Her Ladyship gives Her blessing “of course for you..for both of you..” The Two are close in talk “i dont know how to thank You” My-She turns to Merma.. “or you.." I gleefully Shifted one more time, back to my native form. One too many, I guess after what I’d been through, after a Summonin, a Channelin, and a Workin. I stood there, standing close on my four paws, wobbling fer a moment as exhaustion kicked in. I kinda made a happy yip, wagged my tail, and did something really sissy. I passed out.

I had had a big day

Kin, pack, Blood

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Pencil entry, in the original bad scribble, dated 13/5/08
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Kin, pack, Blood.

Three little words. So much meanin. When I was in tha 7RAR-L tha words were carved by claw inta tha roof beam of tha mess-hall. Some got it tattoo'd along with tha Regiment'i insignia. Fer me it was three words that first struck me as what I was, and what I was fer. Really fer. They told us we were all tagether. A Unit. We lived tagether, faught tagether, from time ta time died tagether. All tagether in tha mud, tha blood and tha tears. That we were Kin ta each other, that we didn't' have no other family but tha Unit. That tagether we were a Pack. A big Pack. A Pack of Packs. They told us that it was in our Blood. That it was all that we were. That it was what made us mighty. That it was our right ta do what they had us do.

By right of Kinship we were mighty.
By right of Pack we were all we were.
By right of Blood we were savage.

And those words stuck. They stuck deep. They stuck so deep they got me ta thinking. They wouldn't have wanted that, but see, most of their thinkin was in order ta train fresh Two-Legs ta be better Lycans, not ta tell a Four-Legs like me that there was a bigger world out there. I guess I was kinda naïve in those early days. What they didn't count on was me wantin ta know more, about all my Kin. About how few we really were. About how tha different Types came ta be. About our furred cousins Tha Felines, and our wild Kin. I learnt about my own past, as best I could. I knew, already I was from a Zoo, when I got taught ta talk. I learnt about where I came from and that they'd taken me from my dam and littermates.

They didn't think i'd want ta learn about tha Unit, tha Pack they'd given me. Learn tha secrets I wasn't supposed ta know. They made me a better scout than they knew. Belongin ta a pack is in my bones. Followin tha heirarchy is in my nature. What they didn't figure was that i'd take it personal when they started usin my Pack as expendable ordenance. We ain't expendable. We are Pack. We live, hunt, breed and thrive. They were usin us like an M203. Just a bigger weapon. Most of my Packmates just took it on faith. They had superpowers. They were revelin in bein bulletproof killin machines. Pack means ya keep each other alive, ya live and die ta protect yer Pack. Without Pack ya are nothin, without ya, yer Pack is nothin. There are many Packs, but this one was mine. Is mine. Goddess be praised Her Ladyship took me in, I was walkin towards Tha Wide River again, lookin ta take tha long swim. Tha Boatman doesn't carry my kind. We swim wild.

They didn't think i'd care about tha blood. Tha blood we spilled fer their greed, fer tha sake of blood, fer terror and just ta clear tha path fer them. They didn't count on me carin about tha blood my Kin shed fer them. They didn't think i'd see that those we shed blood alongside, that i'd count as close as Kin or Pack. Like that king said "he who sheds his blood with me today, he shall be my brother" it didn't matta. Fight by me and i'll hold yer six, guard as ya sleep and tend ya if ya fall.

Kin, pack, Blood

I consider all tha furred peoples my kin. I don't care if ya howl, yowl, or yip. Ya got ears on tha top of yer head and a tail? Yer one of mine. Reason is, were too few, too divided and too bloody minded. Somewhere along tha line we crossed a limit, where there ain't enough Wildings, and too much Fleshie blood has mucked up tha Balance. My Kin has started ta slide towards oblivion. I won't sit on my tail and watch it. Not when I can help my cousins, my brothers and sisters.

Tha Institute are my pack. They may not think of it back, but they are. Took me in when I was walkabout, welcomed me by their fire and inta their home. Its more than shelter, they talked ta me. Her Ladyship thought i'd bring somethin ta Her Institute. Took me in fer what I am, fer who I am, in spite of what I am, or who I am. They are my pack. In every way, and i'd swim Tha Wide River fer each of them, or for it as a whole

Blood I got plenty of, blood i'll spill and blood i'll shed. Its in my Nature. Ya can only fight Nature so much, and then ya have ta let it take Its course. Ta know a bein deep enough ta not re supprised at tha way they are is ta know em by blood. Blood is our tie ta Tha Goddess. Its life. Ta spill it or shed it should be with tha respect its due. Ta be true ta ya nature is ta follow tha song of yer Blood, ta Dance Tha Goddess' Dance.

It's why I can call Choi my sister. She's Feline. So what? She's kin, she was in Tha Pack when it was MY pack, we've shed blood tagether fer good causes. Tha down side is even tossers and crazies can be Kin. Ya can't choose yer Kin. Jadienne is a perfect example. She seems ta have got herself "bit" and Changed. This is tha same gal who been bounced from Faction ta Faction, who I pulled outa Tha Wide River and came back as a Angel, with her brains all through my fur, then got knocked up, got inta a vendetta with tha fuckin Slaver, and then shaked up with him. So now she's Kin. What’s a Shifter ta do? Lorne's kit, Tandy, I call her Kin too, fer all her "tee-hee, fuckin meow, purr, scritch". She and My-She couldn't be further apart than say, Wulf and me, but gigglin aside, she's Kin, and's worth my care. She makes Lorne happy and he's pack.

Rob, now and once Beta of Tha Pack tried ta recruit me back. Gave me tha same old speeches "come ta us and get tha fear ya deserve, Hunt, kill and eat who ya like, we won’t be evil like tha others was, this time, when tha strong are in charge, it'll be better." What a load of bollocks. Tha gall of tha bastard ta in tha one breath say I should re-up so I can be part of that which that eats own. They got six Felines on their books he says, Feline meat is tha best he said. Humans are cattle ta be ett he said, and he was proud ta say he'd eaten a wolf er two in his time too. Said it'd be good if I took a Betaship. Hinted he'd be happy ta have me as Alpha. What tha fuck would did he think I was doin now? What tha hell did he think, that I wanted ta leave my Family who lived by respect, pride and love of Her Ladyship ta run with, and lead a cannibalistic "bunch of half insane fugatives, bandits, and rogues." His words. Kin they are. Pack they once were. Blood they ain't. I know where I belong.

Kin, pack, Blood. To each be true.

exciting times, part 2

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Pencil entry, smeared with blood dated 4-5-08
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I heard tha call come in. Healing required at tha Pit. Neri's call. She's been actin awful twitchy recently and I can only imagine that tha mystery threat to tha Nephilim aint helpin none. Especially considerin tha close webs we weave, if ya catch my scent? I'd been doin some PR work, funny I know, but when I got tha call fer "medic" well, tha trainin and instincts kicked in. Folks will tell ya all about how hard they are, shrug off gashes and gouges and gunshots, callin them fleshwounds or tellin ya it's just a scratch. Some (not namin anyone in paticular, Krazzy ya plonker) will stand and take rounds and just pluck em out. Well bollocks ta that. Ya never know when ya might get hit in just tha right way, with just tha right mix of silver, holy water, ashes of tha One True Cross, cold metioric iron or PlayDoh. Whatever. Some folks tell me "oh woah is me, I’m cursed ta never die by tha Devil/God/crazy uncle Sue". Fuck that right off. Ya never know when either ya finally get yer reprieve, someone cracks tha Seventh Seal or just bloody flukes on ya and ya take tha Golden BB. Get inta Real Estate. Buy Tha Farm.

And when tha metal finally meets tha meat? You fucking better call fer tha medics. Cause when ya start ta dip yer toes in tha Wide River Styx, you better hope you got someone strappin yer leakin holes with field dressins or layin on paws or doin somethin more productive than gawkin and preachin. Ya might as well start goin through their pockets fer loose change. Either ta settle up what they owe ya fer beer or ta call yerself a taxi in case they pull through and are pissed ya didn't help. Maybe I’m soft, maybe I don't give enough credit ta my fellow beings and their indifference ta tha harm comin to their one and only bodies.
Maybe. Maybe not. But when I get a call of "medic!" yer getting fuckin seen to. If I catch ya limpin off an untended wound trailin tha scent of blood in yer wake, leadin THEM ta me, yer getting seen to.

Where was I? Were-was I? Ha. Boom Boom. Literally. Nerissa called fer healin. Location: Tha Pit. Do tha maths. We got intel of threats ta our Nephilim. Nerissa's got personal stakes. I know what I expected. I been in three firefights in Tha Pit. I humped tail over there, pounded up that fuckin long ramp where i've dragged my dyin and shredded Packmates down and out, leavin little red rivers. Twice i've done that, and one time we walked out. Was luck that time. This time was not gunna be any different. I could already smell fresh blood and cordite over tha reek of tha lava tang and old meat. I come scootin in, full tactical breach, or as close as I can when on my lonesome. When I get there I see Neri, fucked up and perforated on tha floor. To my supprise there were some others I didn't expect, and none of those I did. Tha Princess was there, and His Ghostlyness. Some others, but no Shadow I recognized. Fuckin odd. I didn't have time fer anythin other than TTA- tactical threat assessment. No one looked ta do me, nor my patient any harm. So I got down ta work. Denny came up behind me, not sure when. Her Ladyship too.

I had given Neri a fast physical, she'd been holed a pawfull of times, through and throughs. I made ta cut through her outers as she was comin to. Not bein a good patient. Kneelin in her blood I kept at it till I got as far as knowin how hard she'd been hit. Hard. Had she'd been a Fleshie, well, i'd have checked fer change. So I get set ta treat and she's startin ta mumble about havin deserved it, how she got what was comin, and tha like, so I keep her talkin, ask her who wacked her. This is when Denny jumps in, all but shoves me off her and tells me he'll do all she needs. Not happy, but, hell, he's got seniority and prior history. I ain't gunna buck that, damned if I will over a bleedin Family member.

So I stalk off ta one side, lookin ta see if I can find some clue. Nothin. Casin's musta fallen through that fuckin grill inta tha fires. Some Shadow comes in an gives Her Ladyship lip. Serious lip. Not good. That’s how blood-baths start. So how could it get worse? Neri gets up and staggers of, drippin blood and coughin froth. Fuckn fantastic. Great patient care. I make a dash out as tha yellin continues. Still plenty of Institute faces ta back Her Ladyship up. What tha fuck happened ta Neri in tha first place, where did Denethorn get to, and why did he let Neri walk out, as fucked up as she was? Maybe they know more than me, but fuck!

I bolt out, tryin ta catch sight or scent of Neri, but I musta zigged as she zagged, and I loose tha track. Down by tha Coven I cross Denethorn and try ta get an answer outa him. No joy. Worse, he fuckin winds me up with a "she gave you the slip? How typical of you." not fuckin helpful, nor inspirin, let me tell ya. So I bite my tongue and keep trackin. Cover tha whole damn city in five, ten minutes. Finally catch both their scents down by tha church, in tha graveyard. She looks stable, not good but stable. I ask if they need or even want any assistance. Denny just looks up and tells me that "She" might need my assistance. I was a bit puzzled by that, and he reminded me which one. Her Ladyship. In Tha Pit. I have a horrible moment where all kinds of visions, memories of what i've seen there. Then i bolt, run as fast as my paws will take me, back across town, straight and hard. I barrel through some pedestrians, pound up tha ramp, and slam my shoulder into the big doors.

They swung with a thud i didn't feel, i stalk in, this time with a purpose i've not felt fer a good long time. My Lady is at risk. My Alpha. I can smell tha anger and impendin violence in tha room, all mixed in with blood, old and new. Neri's new blood. I don't smell her Ladyship. Nor do i intend to. I stride from tha gloom inta tha main room. and glower. I know it may not be much, i put up my firearms when i took on Her service. I wear my short sword, but its more of a tool ta me than a weapon, and really, i don't know what help it would be. Depends on tha situation. I got my claws, and fangs, and i'll put them ta test any time. But most important, i'm big. big, scary, and can soak a lot of what gets thrown my way. Thats what i offer. So there i stood. lookin big and scary, huffin and puffin, ready ta blow their House down. I guess it works, tha feel of tha room shifts, and Her Ladyship waves me back, supported and standin proud again. I waited though, ready ta stand to, if called, or needed. But i ain't, She's on it. Once She passes me, i wait a moment longer, keepin tha pressure on. She calls be back, and i fell back. This is what i want to be able to do, this is what i CAN do.

"one who goes before"

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A water stained and muddy scrap of page stuck into the journal.
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Praetor was a title granted by the government of Ancient Rome to men acting in one of two official capacities: the commander of an army, either before it was mustered or more typically in the field, or an elected magistrate assigned duties that varied depending on the historical period. Its literal translation is "one who goes before, precedes, who leads the way".

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I don't know what ta write about this. I guess i'll just start with ta facts as I know em. Her Ladyship called me in and I could see from her eyes she was well pleased at somethin. Asked me if my ears had been burnin. Well, if they hadn't before, they sure were now I told her. She let me dangle a moment and asked if she should tell me. I suggested I could be as annoyin as tha worlds biggest five year old, so she was merciful and told me. She had taken tha council of her two nearest and dearest, Poncho and Denny. About me. About me in tha Institute. She had decided ta promote me. This kinda floored me. I only been a card caryin member fer a little while, and it weren't just that long ago Her Ladyship granted me tha boon of Scholarship.

Made me remember back when Her Ladyship and me had talked about how things ran when I was in Tha Pack, as Hunter then Scout Leader. She said i'd lead again one day, which I thought was nice of Her at tha time, I never had aspirations of grandure or nothin. I knew when I stepped through them doors fer tha last time as a packless Outcast, by my own paw or no, I knew i'd have ta fight ta prove myself ta tha high thinkers and sharp tongues of tha Institute. I never gave any thought ta more than bein welcome, ta belong and ta be useful.

Her Ladyship was gonna promote me, said I was a natural leader, said I could keep my head when tha waste hit tha spinnin blades, said I was reliable, and said I was on their side. Well, let me tell ya. That I am, that I am. We got all kinds in tha Institute. Angels, Demons, Fangers, Shifters and Witches. That spread doesn't push us apart, it gives us inisights inta things. Its somethin i'm proud of. Somethin i'd be proud ta serve. Proud ta help lead. Her Ladyship promoted me. Asked me if i'd be a Praetor for Her. Like I said I was floored. Still am. I don't wanna bite off more than I can swallow. I asked Her what I needed ta do, when she finished layin out what Her expetations, I said my paws were Her paws. I never expected ta lead again, but now I will, I can't imagine wantin ta lead anywhere else.

When My-She found out, she was over tha Moon. I don't use tha term lightly, neither. So excited she took me out shoppin to tha mainland fer a present. Bought me a fine rugged kilt fer me. I'm gonna wear it when Tha Goddess hides Her face and plays her prank. Goes funny with my tail, and i'll be damned if I take a knife ta it ta cut a hole fer me. Its special, it was fer ME, from My-She. She is special. Both of them are special. Fates musta smiled on me fer all tha good stuf thats been comin my way, or just balancin tha score

I went wanderin in tha South, found an old book in one of tha ruins. Encyclopedia . All neglected in a puddle, under debris. Got it out, flipped through it, found what i was lookin fer. So i pasted it in. Means a lot ta me. considerin who and what i am.

One who goes before.

Sums me right up, nose ta tail.

Grr: soldier, healer, cocktail-maker. Pt2 OOC (not in the book)

His nose for magic manifested in several ways, he could draw on the spirits of a place to help him track or guide, to hide or obfuscate him or his fellows, and to heal casualties, slowing blood flow, binding wounds, reducing pain. It also kept him and his Snarl-mates out of magical ambushes, which in later actions became alarmingly more frequent.

Grr flowed easily to Goddess worship, a manifest belief that life, nature and its cycles were Her, that the Moon was a visual reminder of that. He took what aspects from established religions he felt matched what he knew was true and filled in the rest with the direct logic of the Wild. That may have been the time Grr first started questioning the rightness of the 7RAR-L, its mission and his part in it. Hunting and killing were natural and right. Defending and taking new territory is the same. What they had been doing was far beyond that. Humans were not normal prey. Rabbit, deer, goat, sheep these were normal. It suddenly seemed amazing that his Snarl-mates were only too happy to feed on that which they were part of. More so because so many of them were Fleshie-born themselves.

One way Grr looked to deal with this was to learn to cook. Field rations being what they where he often didn't have much to work with, but fast hands and deep pockets kept him supplied him with the little extras that made combined rations, and any prey or local flora handy into not only decent, but fairly tasty meals. There were always those who made a show of not caring and eating raw carrion, freshly killed prisoner or whatever, but it seemed to Grr that this was taking for granted the subtle heritage that being on the edge of Humanity gave them all, and overcompensating trying to be “more bestial” than nature needed. Fruits, root vegetables, shoots, insects, rodents, livestock and crops all made it into the bellies of the Snarls who either went into the field or stayed in camp with Grr. Their pelts were healthier, and their eyes clearer than those how took the other path. Grr was taking the first steps as Shaman, tending his Kin, offering wholesomeness in the midst of carnage and decay.

This took a more practical sense after the incident with the 90mm shell. Spending a lot of time traumatised, strapped and caged as he recovered his higher functions, then bed-ridden thinking of healing, his purpose and his nature. Calling on the deep instinctive feelings of connection to the flow of life, he was first able to sense deep within himself to "see" the damage that was holding him back from healing fully. He looked to the other casualties, some in better shape than him, some worse. He reached out to them and found he could heal some of their hurts. When he told the medics, they ran some tests and confirmed he did indeed have "The Touch". Field medics were rare in the 7RAR-L, few Lycans had the feel for healing, more interested in dealing out the damage than mending it. Perhaps for this or maybe because of it, the regenerative nature of most Lycans made first aid generally unnecessary. Yet modern warfare brought many dangers even famed Lycanthropic healing couldn't quickly cope with. Shrapnel, phosphorous, napalm, DPU spall and explosive dismemberment would all took their toll. So when Grr requested Combat Medic training over Advanced Firearms, the brass allowed it, always mindful of keeping the 7RAR-L as self sufficient as possible: a self supporting, self feeding, self healing killing machine, just like the individuals that made it up.

When Grr was returned to the field, a new leader had been brought in, from the rifle company that formed part of the Al Muthanna Task Group in southern Iraq. The feel of the unit had been changed. More "training" was carried out, on prisoner or to discipline Snarls themselves. This was exactly the behaviour that Wulf brought to The Pack during the "Alpha Struggles" when Pack Leadership was as changeable as the moon in Toxia. Grr waited, endured, and watched. He tended the fallen, as best he could, healing them, easing their passage or helping them recover. He never shirked his duties, but on more than one occasion, was reprimanded for un-warranted displays of mercy to non-combative targets. It was only his feral savagery to opposing forces, and field-craft that stopped his Officers demoting him, in favour of younger, more unilaterally brutal Snarls. When it was obvious that the corruption of the Unit had degraded it so far that they began to turn on each other, he acted. Only officers were ever issued the generally Lycan-toxic silver ammunition, but his time in the field and in the recovery hospital taught Grr how to kill his own kind convincingly without it.

White Phosphorous incendiary grenades. Several of them. After that it was only the hardly trivial matter of eluding capture by motivated and dedicated, military trained Lycans, and finding lasting freedom. His keen senses, stealth, insurance and counter-insurance training and natural way with those he encountered along the way made that possible. Not a complex plan, just a deep set drive to be free, wild and part of something that felt right. Sneaking in to a regular Fleshie RAR base at a port town was only too easy, as was re-stocking on kit. It was just a matter of putting a word on his buddy in logistics to know which crates held gear ear-marked for the 7RAR-L, skimming off one set of what he needed, being a creature of habit, the only gear he had ever known was either standard issue kit, whatever they could get from the PX, or looting. When “off duty” Grr had taken to wearing shirts with slogans that meshed with his particular brand of humour. About as dry as a paper towel in a monsoon. Fleshie morals, and qualms amused Grr, taking delight in flaunting his feral nature at times, in the face of tradition, whilst at the same time, being quite shy about his own, and rigorously following them; Pack Hierarchy, Territory Protection, Matriarchal Mating Rites, Protection of the Young. Often Grr felt the need to educate his Snarl-mates on the ways of their Four-Legged Kin. In this, Grr was also acting as Shaman to what he considered his Pack.

It was also in these “off duty” times he took after that other grand old Australian tradition. Drinking. Beer never really appealed to Grr, to biter and bloating, but he revelled in the fruity combinations of fresh fruit and strong spirits. With whatever contraband or looted booze they could supply him with, Grr made drinks for his Snarl-mates, a battered Cocktail Guide made its way into his personal effects and Grr realised another aspect of his nature, He could combine scout and healer, cook and soldier, combine them and make them more than their parts. When he stood or crouched beside the makeshift bar in their Den, his fellows would sip at his creations, and start to talk to him, voicing their grievances, giving opinions they might not ever dare give otherwise. It was as if the Rank vanished, the Unit vanished, and all that was left were two beings, one with woes and trials, the other with open ears, and given the trust to judge and advise. Grr learnt his potions well, mixed his drinks, and tended the needs of his fellows. His bartop confessions never passed up the chain of command, save as general recommendations to his Alpha, when he thought the situation needed to be known, for the good of his Kin. In this way too, Grr took on the aspect of Shaman, as Bartender.

ANZAC day

================= a pencil note, left pinned to the fireplace in the Library, eventually re-pasted into notebook, dated 25-04-08 ================= The Final Inspection The Soldier stood and faced his God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shining, Just as brightly as his brass. "Step forward now, you Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?" The Soldier squared his shoulders and said, "No, my Lord, I ain't. Because those of us who carry guns, Can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was tough. And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a dollar, That wasn't mine to keep... Though I worked a lot of overtime, When the bills got just too steep. And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times I shook with fear. And sometimes, God, forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place, Among the people here. They never wanted me around, Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand. I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand. There was a silence all around the throne, Where the Saints had often trod. As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God. "Step forward now, you Soldier, You've borne your burdens well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell." ~Author Unknown~ (edit 9/6/2022 Author - Sgt Joshua Helterbran, US Army)

Sgt Joshua Helterbran, US Army

Read more at:
http://www.indiandefencereview.com/news/soldiers-final-inspection-in-heaven-by-the-lord/

Sgt Joshua Helterbran, US Army

Read more at:
http://www.indiandefencereview.com/news/soldiers-final-inspection-in-heaven-by-the-lord/

Sgt Joshua Helterbran, US Army

Read more at:
http://www.indiandefencereview.com/news/soldiers-final-inspection-in-heaven-by-the-lord/

Folks, i have ta go make a Pilgrimage, ta honour tha Fallen. I'll be back in a coupla days Lest We Ferget =====================